More "Top Five" Lists

Best things about living with Rich:
1.) Waking up with him every morning
2.) Making each other laugh
3.) He cooks for me
4.) He fixes stuff around the house
5.) He drives me to and from work

Worst things about living with Rich:
1.) No matter how long I cook meat or poultry it's never "done" enough
2.) Wet towels don't hang themselves up to dry
3.) He doesn't want me to get a cat
4.) He insists on buying the store brand of just about everything now that he actually has to shop for AND pay for groceries
5.) Waits till I'm on a diet to start baking cookies and brownies

Foods I could live on at this point in my life:
1.) Tri-O-Plex protein-enhanced cookies
2.) Pepperidge Farms 15-grain bread
3.) Salads
4.) Almonds
5.) Boar's Head deli meats and cheeses
6.) Olive oil (more a condiment/cooking aid than a food but still an essential)

Things I miss about Bonnie:
1.) The way she'd run across the room to greet me
2.) Her silky soft fur
3.) Her little pink nose
4.) Non-stop cat kisses
5.) Constant purring

Things I love about our apartment:
1.) No stairs!
2.) Oven heats up quickly
3.) Polarity reversed in our kitchen sink (the "cold" tap sprays hot water and vice versa)
4.) Furnished with Craig's List bargains
5.) We finally got the heat to work. Woo hoo!

That Which Does and Does Not Suck

What sucks in my life right now:

- It took me 3 years to complete a 9-month massage therapy certification program due to my chronic procrastination and inability to get paperwork together
- I still don't have a driver's license
- Even though I live in the "Mid South" it still gets cold in the winter
- Most of my size 16 pants are too small for me now. This happens when you're 5'4" and top out at a couple o' bills
- I just got over a cold and generously gave it to my boyfriend
- My temp job calls for 12.5-hour shifts starting at 7am - on weekends! - and I am not exactly a morning person
- Bonnie, one of my cats from back home, recently had to be put to sleep.

What does not suck, to say the least:

- It may have taken me a while, but I finally graduated from massage school. Next stop: taking (and passing) the NCETMB, obtaining a Tennessee massage therapy license, and establishing my practice!
- I'm calling a driving school tomorrow, procrastination be damned! And I'm allowed to use my Massachusetts learner's permit in Tennessee, that'll mean one less DMV fee.
- It's nowhere near as cold, or snowy, in Middle Tennessee as it is in Eastern Massachusetts. Seriously, they freak out here over a dusting the way we hardy New Englanders freak about an imminent blizzard. It's actually quite amusing to watch the weather forecasts.
- Last week I began working out with Roger, my new personal trainer. It's hard work but totally worth it. I'd missed the old post-workout, walking-funny-for-three-days-cuz-my-thighs-are-friggin-killing-me sensation! With Roger's help and my own stubbornness - er, determination - I should be down to a size 12 by summertime. Developing some lung capacity and reducing my risk of various future health problems will be pretty sweet too.
- If Rich has the same cold as me, it's not great but we've both had worse. And it's nice to be sharing the same living space. Very nice.
- Yeah, the hours are weird at my job, but it's a full time paycheck squeezed into a 3 day workweek. That gives me Tuesday thru Friday to do whatever I want. Like take driving lessons, study for the exam, work out, and hang out with my "bah"
- Losing BonBon? A senseless tragedy. The shittiest thing that has happened in a long, long time. The silver lining is that she's no longer suffering, and I never had to watch her suffer. In my memories she will always be a healthy, happy, flirty little girl of a cat.

Overall, things are pretty good. I miss home a little, but it's fun and exciting to explore a new place. When the weather gets better we're going to visit the zoo, take a dinner cruise down the Cumberland River, and check out some of the nearby state parks and historic sites, of which there are many. In the meantime we're content to make the most of our Netflix membership and cable modem. And despite my legendary procrastination I promise to blog more. And upload some pictures once in a while.

My Civic Burden - I Mean, Duty! Duty!

About two months ago I was summoned to report for jury duty on June 15 (this coming Thursday). Unlike most Americans who consider jury duty to be as much fun as cleaning up dog poop while having their wisdom teeth pulled, I've always looked forward to serving. I consider "trial by jury" to be, at least in theory, the fairest and most transparent form of dispensing justice. At least when compared to places where women who've had their clitorises removed are stoned to death by masked judges for allegedly making eye contact with a man who is not their husband.

However, I was randomly assigned to Newburyport Superior Court for my jury service. Newburyport is a lovely seaside town and I'd like to get to know it better, but it's 30 miles north of Lynn, and I don't have a car! There is a commuter rail station in downtown Newburyport but the earliest train from Boston to Newburyport runs express to Salem, bypassing Lynn. The next train would get me there at 9:09 am, which wouldn't work because I'm scheduled to report at 8:30. My choices are:

1.) Get the 5:55 or 6:10 bus to downtown Salem, grab a cup of coffee or something before catching the 6:54 train to Newburyport, arrive at 7:29 and commence the mile-plus trek to Superior Court

2.) Request a hardship transfer to another court closer to my home, of which there are two: Lynn (5 minute walk) and Salem (30 minutes by bus or 10 minutes by train)

I opted for #2. However, the Office of Jury Commissioner in Boston did not receive the postcard I mailed back in response to my Initial Notice. Or my response to the more strongly worded Second Notice. I don't understand how this is possible, but apparently the postal service is rigged to make me look like a bad citizen. Even though I pay my taxes, vote, recycle, etc.

So I've been assigned to Standby Status, which means I have to call Newburyport Superior Court after 3pm Wednesday to find out whether or not I actually have to show up. If they don't need me on Thursday, I'm set for the next three years. If they do, I'm destined for a highly inconvenient commute, which I can handle for the average 1-3 days of service time. If I'm selected for a trial that drags on for a few weeks I will not be a happy camper.

My only recourse is to call the jury service hotline at 1-800-THE-JURY and see if they can arrange a hardship transfer on allegedly short notice. My paperwork says to be patient because they receive up to 3000 calls per day. So I could understand waiting on hold for 30+ minutes for a representative to talk to me. What I can't understand is why I keep getting a goddamn BUSY SIGNAL!!!!

Screw it! I'm moving to Montana and building a shack already.

F'd Up Sight of the Day

Driving (well, riding in Rich's truck) up Route 128 (major state highway linked with I-95) during rush hour, we observed a driver reading a book. Specifically a paperback novel held between her hands, which appeared to be situated at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel.

Driver (noun): One who operates a motor vehicle
Rush hour (noun): Busy-ass time of day on roads or public transit
Book (noun): Something that should be read when one is not DRIVING!!!!!

WTF is wrong with people? I'm quite the bookworm myself. I read at home, at other people's homes, on the T, in cafes, in bookstores, in libraries, even in food courts full of screaming toddlers... but I don't read while I'm driving. Because I value my life and the lives of those around me.

Quadruple Jeopardy

Rich & I signed up last week to take part in tonight's online Jeopardy! tryouts. Like a good doobie, I was signed on and ready 20 minutes ahead of time, getting more and more excited as the timeclock ticked down...

10 seconds before the start of the test, my computer shut itself off.

(insert expletives here)

Remind me...

not to fall asleep with the TV on. Audio from late night infomercials somehow gets into my dreams, so I'm hurtling through outer space on a rescue mission and the space denizen I'm rescuing wants to tell me how to invest in real estate with no money down. Then a voice in my head starts extolling the virtues of some kind of super-polarized sunglasses.

Too f'd up for words.

Happy Holidays vs Merry Christmas

First of all, these reactionary neoconservative (so-called) Christians who are all pissed at hearing "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" are a bunch of morons. I don't pretend to be God or Jesus, but I believe the time and energy of Christians would be better spent performing good works in the true spirit of God's love, like squeezing in a volunteer shift at the local homeless shelter between punching matches over who gets the last XBox 360.

The other night I spent about half an hour on the phone with a very nice, very helpful tech support person who concluded our call by wishing me a Merry Christmas, and I wished her one as well. I happen to celebrate Christmas, but how did she know that? She did know my mom's last name, as the account is in her name, but my mom could have remarried or kept her maiden name. How does tech support lady know I'm not, like, Chloe Horowitz or something equally "Jew-y," as Jon Stewart would say?

Or I could be a Jehovah's Witness. There's an active and growing Jehovah's Witnesses population in Lynn, and the Witnesses I've met have all been very nice people. Last year I innocently asked a coworker of mine if he'd had a nice Christmas, and he told me he didn't celebrate it. But he didn't get all offended or anything. He just said I was welcome to get him a present anyway. Good kid.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not upset about being wished a Merry Christmas. Even if I didn't celebrate this particular holiday, I can always use a little merriment. Especially at this time of year when the days are short, the resume is getting no responses, and I spend my days watching crap TV and consuming as much whole grain as possible just to see how many bowel movements I can make in one day. (For the record, I'm up to five!)

But these dickless pieces of shit like Bill O'Reilly who are calling for boycotts of any retailer whose employees wish customers a Happy Holiday instead of a Merry Christmas are not being politically courageous. They are STUPID! I can think of many reasons to boycott WalMart, but being wished a Happy Holiday instead of a Merry Christmas isn't one of them.

Once we get past the crass commercialism of the season, Christmas is supposed to be about Peace On Earth and Goodwill Toward Men. And Goodwill toward Women. Unless we're trying to fill a prescription for emergency contraception at their local WalMart. Then we're sinful, uppity, man-hating, baby-murdering Jezebels. Right, Pat Robertson?

I kinda dig Chloe Horowitz. Maybe I'll just take that name when I get married instead of taking Rich's name. Mazel tov.

The Reason Insurance Rates Are So High In This City

Apparently in downtown Lynn, if you see a red light, a walk signal, and a pedestrian in the crosswalk, you don't stop. Instead you STEP ON IT hard enough for said pedestrian to hear a loud SQUEEEEAAAAKKKK!!!! as you accelerate through said crosswalk.

She missed me by about a foot. Work on your aim, bitch!