My Civic Burden - I Mean, Duty! Duty!

About two months ago I was summoned to report for jury duty on June 15 (this coming Thursday). Unlike most Americans who consider jury duty to be as much fun as cleaning up dog poop while having their wisdom teeth pulled, I've always looked forward to serving. I consider "trial by jury" to be, at least in theory, the fairest and most transparent form of dispensing justice. At least when compared to places where women who've had their clitorises removed are stoned to death by masked judges for allegedly making eye contact with a man who is not their husband.

However, I was randomly assigned to Newburyport Superior Court for my jury service. Newburyport is a lovely seaside town and I'd like to get to know it better, but it's 30 miles north of Lynn, and I don't have a car! There is a commuter rail station in downtown Newburyport but the earliest train from Boston to Newburyport runs express to Salem, bypassing Lynn. The next train would get me there at 9:09 am, which wouldn't work because I'm scheduled to report at 8:30. My choices are:

1.) Get the 5:55 or 6:10 bus to downtown Salem, grab a cup of coffee or something before catching the 6:54 train to Newburyport, arrive at 7:29 and commence the mile-plus trek to Superior Court

2.) Request a hardship transfer to another court closer to my home, of which there are two: Lynn (5 minute walk) and Salem (30 minutes by bus or 10 minutes by train)

I opted for #2. However, the Office of Jury Commissioner in Boston did not receive the postcard I mailed back in response to my Initial Notice. Or my response to the more strongly worded Second Notice. I don't understand how this is possible, but apparently the postal service is rigged to make me look like a bad citizen. Even though I pay my taxes, vote, recycle, etc.

So I've been assigned to Standby Status, which means I have to call Newburyport Superior Court after 3pm Wednesday to find out whether or not I actually have to show up. If they don't need me on Thursday, I'm set for the next three years. If they do, I'm destined for a highly inconvenient commute, which I can handle for the average 1-3 days of service time. If I'm selected for a trial that drags on for a few weeks I will not be a happy camper.

My only recourse is to call the jury service hotline at 1-800-THE-JURY and see if they can arrange a hardship transfer on allegedly short notice. My paperwork says to be patient because they receive up to 3000 calls per day. So I could understand waiting on hold for 30+ minutes for a representative to talk to me. What I can't understand is why I keep getting a goddamn BUSY SIGNAL!!!!

Screw it! I'm moving to Montana and building a shack already.