Happy Holidays vs Merry Christmas

First of all, these reactionary neoconservative (so-called) Christians who are all pissed at hearing "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" are a bunch of morons. I don't pretend to be God or Jesus, but I believe the time and energy of Christians would be better spent performing good works in the true spirit of God's love, like squeezing in a volunteer shift at the local homeless shelter between punching matches over who gets the last XBox 360.

The other night I spent about half an hour on the phone with a very nice, very helpful tech support person who concluded our call by wishing me a Merry Christmas, and I wished her one as well. I happen to celebrate Christmas, but how did she know that? She did know my mom's last name, as the account is in her name, but my mom could have remarried or kept her maiden name. How does tech support lady know I'm not, like, Chloe Horowitz or something equally "Jew-y," as Jon Stewart would say?

Or I could be a Jehovah's Witness. There's an active and growing Jehovah's Witnesses population in Lynn, and the Witnesses I've met have all been very nice people. Last year I innocently asked a coworker of mine if he'd had a nice Christmas, and he told me he didn't celebrate it. But he didn't get all offended or anything. He just said I was welcome to get him a present anyway. Good kid.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not upset about being wished a Merry Christmas. Even if I didn't celebrate this particular holiday, I can always use a little merriment. Especially at this time of year when the days are short, the resume is getting no responses, and I spend my days watching crap TV and consuming as much whole grain as possible just to see how many bowel movements I can make in one day. (For the record, I'm up to five!)

But these dickless pieces of shit like Bill O'Reilly who are calling for boycotts of any retailer whose employees wish customers a Happy Holiday instead of a Merry Christmas are not being politically courageous. They are STUPID! I can think of many reasons to boycott WalMart, but being wished a Happy Holiday instead of a Merry Christmas isn't one of them.

Once we get past the crass commercialism of the season, Christmas is supposed to be about Peace On Earth and Goodwill Toward Men. And Goodwill toward Women. Unless we're trying to fill a prescription for emergency contraception at their local WalMart. Then we're sinful, uppity, man-hating, baby-murdering Jezebels. Right, Pat Robertson?

I kinda dig Chloe Horowitz. Maybe I'll just take that name when I get married instead of taking Rich's name. Mazel tov.