My Civic Burden - I Mean, Duty! Duty!

About two months ago I was summoned to report for jury duty on June 15 (this coming Thursday). Unlike most Americans who consider jury duty to be as much fun as cleaning up dog poop while having their wisdom teeth pulled, I've always looked forward to serving. I consider "trial by jury" to be, at least in theory, the fairest and most transparent form of dispensing justice. At least when compared to places where women who've had their clitorises removed are stoned to death by masked judges for allegedly making eye contact with a man who is not their husband.

However, I was randomly assigned to Newburyport Superior Court for my jury service. Newburyport is a lovely seaside town and I'd like to get to know it better, but it's 30 miles north of Lynn, and I don't have a car! There is a commuter rail station in downtown Newburyport but the earliest train from Boston to Newburyport runs express to Salem, bypassing Lynn. The next train would get me there at 9:09 am, which wouldn't work because I'm scheduled to report at 8:30. My choices are:

1.) Get the 5:55 or 6:10 bus to downtown Salem, grab a cup of coffee or something before catching the 6:54 train to Newburyport, arrive at 7:29 and commence the mile-plus trek to Superior Court

2.) Request a hardship transfer to another court closer to my home, of which there are two: Lynn (5 minute walk) and Salem (30 minutes by bus or 10 minutes by train)

I opted for #2. However, the Office of Jury Commissioner in Boston did not receive the postcard I mailed back in response to my Initial Notice. Or my response to the more strongly worded Second Notice. I don't understand how this is possible, but apparently the postal service is rigged to make me look like a bad citizen. Even though I pay my taxes, vote, recycle, etc.

So I've been assigned to Standby Status, which means I have to call Newburyport Superior Court after 3pm Wednesday to find out whether or not I actually have to show up. If they don't need me on Thursday, I'm set for the next three years. If they do, I'm destined for a highly inconvenient commute, which I can handle for the average 1-3 days of service time. If I'm selected for a trial that drags on for a few weeks I will not be a happy camper.

My only recourse is to call the jury service hotline at 1-800-THE-JURY and see if they can arrange a hardship transfer on allegedly short notice. My paperwork says to be patient because they receive up to 3000 calls per day. So I could understand waiting on hold for 30+ minutes for a representative to talk to me. What I can't understand is why I keep getting a goddamn BUSY SIGNAL!!!!

Screw it! I'm moving to Montana and building a shack already.

The String and the Spoon - courtesy of Derek

THE STRING AND SPOON

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and
noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our
water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt
pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting
to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.It represents a
drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel
are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to
the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to
replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging
out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had
the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked
the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string
right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save
time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what,
we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our
hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well, " he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.