More "Top Five" Lists

Best things about living with Rich:
1.) Waking up with him every morning
2.) Making each other laugh
3.) He cooks for me
4.) He fixes stuff around the house
5.) He drives me to and from work

Worst things about living with Rich:
1.) No matter how long I cook meat or poultry it's never "done" enough
2.) Wet towels don't hang themselves up to dry
3.) He doesn't want me to get a cat
4.) He insists on buying the store brand of just about everything now that he actually has to shop for AND pay for groceries
5.) Waits till I'm on a diet to start baking cookies and brownies

Foods I could live on at this point in my life:
1.) Tri-O-Plex protein-enhanced cookies
2.) Pepperidge Farms 15-grain bread
3.) Salads
4.) Almonds
5.) Boar's Head deli meats and cheeses
6.) Olive oil (more a condiment/cooking aid than a food but still an essential)

Things I miss about Bonnie:
1.) The way she'd run across the room to greet me
2.) Her silky soft fur
3.) Her little pink nose
4.) Non-stop cat kisses
5.) Constant purring

Things I love about our apartment:
1.) No stairs!
2.) Oven heats up quickly
3.) Polarity reversed in our kitchen sink (the "cold" tap sprays hot water and vice versa)
4.) Furnished with Craig's List bargains
5.) We finally got the heat to work. Woo hoo!

That Which Does and Does Not Suck

What sucks in my life right now:

- It took me 3 years to complete a 9-month massage therapy certification program due to my chronic procrastination and inability to get paperwork together
- I still don't have a driver's license
- Even though I live in the "Mid South" it still gets cold in the winter
- Most of my size 16 pants are too small for me now. This happens when you're 5'4" and top out at a couple o' bills
- I just got over a cold and generously gave it to my boyfriend
- My temp job calls for 12.5-hour shifts starting at 7am - on weekends! - and I am not exactly a morning person
- Bonnie, one of my cats from back home, recently had to be put to sleep.

What does not suck, to say the least:

- It may have taken me a while, but I finally graduated from massage school. Next stop: taking (and passing) the NCETMB, obtaining a Tennessee massage therapy license, and establishing my practice!
- I'm calling a driving school tomorrow, procrastination be damned! And I'm allowed to use my Massachusetts learner's permit in Tennessee, that'll mean one less DMV fee.
- It's nowhere near as cold, or snowy, in Middle Tennessee as it is in Eastern Massachusetts. Seriously, they freak out here over a dusting the way we hardy New Englanders freak about an imminent blizzard. It's actually quite amusing to watch the weather forecasts.
- Last week I began working out with Roger, my new personal trainer. It's hard work but totally worth it. I'd missed the old post-workout, walking-funny-for-three-days-cuz-my-thighs-are-friggin-killing-me sensation! With Roger's help and my own stubbornness - er, determination - I should be down to a size 12 by summertime. Developing some lung capacity and reducing my risk of various future health problems will be pretty sweet too.
- If Rich has the same cold as me, it's not great but we've both had worse. And it's nice to be sharing the same living space. Very nice.
- Yeah, the hours are weird at my job, but it's a full time paycheck squeezed into a 3 day workweek. That gives me Tuesday thru Friday to do whatever I want. Like take driving lessons, study for the exam, work out, and hang out with my "bah"
- Losing BonBon? A senseless tragedy. The shittiest thing that has happened in a long, long time. The silver lining is that she's no longer suffering, and I never had to watch her suffer. In my memories she will always be a healthy, happy, flirty little girl of a cat.

Overall, things are pretty good. I miss home a little, but it's fun and exciting to explore a new place. When the weather gets better we're going to visit the zoo, take a dinner cruise down the Cumberland River, and check out some of the nearby state parks and historic sites, of which there are many. In the meantime we're content to make the most of our Netflix membership and cable modem. And despite my legendary procrastination I promise to blog more. And upload some pictures once in a while.

Patriots-Titans New Years Eve Game

In case the title didn't give it away, Rich & I went to see the New England Patriots play the Tennessee Titans yesterday at LP Field in Nashville. I will grade the various aspects of the day.

Game itself: B
The Patriots won 40-23, demolishing the Titans' chance of earning a spot in the playoffs. I haven't followed the Titans too closely this year but I understand they started the season 0-5 then came from behind to assemble an 8-7 record. Rich actually rooted for the Titans, despite his lifelong loyalty to the Pats, because he wanted them to make it to the postseason. I respect his decision but still rooted for the Pats myself, and there were actually plenty of Pats fans in the stands. The action itself was sloppy and slow, and in the end the Pats just played a better game.

Transportation: A
Instead of driving the 15 miles to downtown Nashville, Rich & I elected to ride the new Music City Star commuter train, which was running special game day service. The Hermitage train stop is about 3 miles from our house, and the Riverfront station in downtown Nashville is quite convenient to Broadway and LP Field. They charged $20 per round-trip ticket, which we both thought was kinda steep, but it's an easy ride and we didn't have to deal with parking, etc. If I get a job downtown I'll definitely use this service, because the normal business hour rates are much lower than the special event prices.

Facility & Seating: B+
I'm giving it a B+ only because I'm way out of shape and had to huff and puff my way up to the 300 level. They need some frickin elevators! Last time Rich & I were there was for FanFair 2005 (aka CMA Music Festival) and we had much better seats. This time we were 3 rows from the very top! We still had a fine view of the field and the action, I just wasn't thrilled with all the stairs. I'm not a fan of new years' resolutions but by next football season I'd better have my ass in shape!

Concessions: B
Prices were average for a facility of this kind. They were all rounded off to a dollar amount - none of that 99 cent bullshit - and included Tennessee sales tax, so we didn't have to figure out 9.25% of $19 worth of food and beverage. The selection of food and drink was decent. I even found a $7 Mike's Hard Lemonade during the 2nd quarter! No funnel cake to be found anywhere though, that made us sad. Maybe it's a seasonal delicacy?

Weather: C-
65 degrees Farenheit on December 31: Nice!
Getting rained on till your sweatshirt and jeans are friggin saturated: Not so nice.
Seeing a dude on the footbridge selling ponchos and deciding not to buy one: Dumb.
Having T-Rac the Titans mascot be driven around the field in a dinghy with oars pretending to through the rain: Awesome!
The sun coming out during the 3rd quarter: Priceless
Coming home to take a hot bath, change into warm pajamas and eat a bowl of soup: Priceless-er

Miscellaneous: A+
At one point during a break in the action in the 4th quarter I saw a bird fly through the uprights. That probably happens all the time but this was only my second-ever live NFL game attended, plus I was a teeny bit buzzed of my Mike's, so it cracked me up.

The String and the Spoon - courtesy of Derek

THE STRING AND SPOON

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and
noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our
water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt
pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting
to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.It represents a
drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel
are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to
the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to
replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging
out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had
the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked
the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string
right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save
time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what,
we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our
hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well, " he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

Remind me...

not to fall asleep with the TV on. Audio from late night infomercials somehow gets into my dreams, so I'm hurtling through outer space on a rescue mission and the space denizen I'm rescuing wants to tell me how to invest in real estate with no money down. Then a voice in my head starts extolling the virtues of some kind of super-polarized sunglasses.

Too f'd up for words.

My Man's Got Bad Pet Karma (Warning: possible TMI post)

This happened a couple weeks ago while Rich & I were housesitting for my cousin Paige and her husband Theron in Malden. We like to help them with the house when they're out of town because their dog Isobelle, aka Izzy, is a sweet, outgoing, energetic beagle who's a lot of fun. Plus their cat Smudge is the prettiest, sweetest little kitty in the whole wide world. Awwww!!!

Anyway, Rich's sister Emily flew home from her spring break softball tournament in Florida, and we volunteered to pick her up from the airport that night, because we're good like that. (Coincidentally this was the same night Ayla Brown flew back to after being voted off from American Idol, and Rich later ran into the camera crew covering her arrival.) We decided to bring Izzy along in case of any flight or traffic delays, because she doesn't like being alone in the house for too long. When we got to TF Green I took Izzy for a quick walk, bagged her doggie poo, and put her back in the truck with Rich while I looked for a trash can to dispose of the bag. I got back to the truck to find Izzy settled on Rich's lap in the drivers seat, which was soooooo cute! Wish I'd had a camera...

So we're sitting there listening to the radio and petting the doggie when Rich feels something wet on his leg. Turns out Izzy had secreted some fluid from her anal glands, and Rich now had a nasty-smelling wet spot on his leg! The odor was really gross, worse than the smell Izzy had sustained in a recent encounter with a local skunk. (Two encounters in one week, actually. Some dogs just don't learn.)

Meanwhile, Rich was fretting the wet spot on his jeans, thinking it looked like he'd peed himself - not a good look in front of airport security. So with Izzy banished to the backseat and the windows down to get rid of the essence des glands anals, Rich turned on the heat, wriggled out of his jeans, and held them in front of the air vent to dry the spot. Within minutes the spot was dry, Rich put his pants back on and all was well. But you must realize this is the same strait-laced guy who freaked out once when I changed my clothes Catholic school-style in his truck, much later in the evening, in a much less busy area! I started laughing my ass off and asked him, "Before you met me, would you ever have had occasion to take your pants off in an airport parking lot?" He had to admit that he wouldn't have. This is the effect I have on normal people.

Later that night I woke to find Smudge, the aforementioned sweet kitty cat, had jumped up on the bed. She came up to me purring her little heart out, letting me pet her, and walking back and forth across the bed like cats often do. After a few minutes she started to make that signature noise cats make when they're about to barf up some undigested kibble... and barf she did, right on poor, unsuspecting, fast-asleep Rich! (Technically she did it on the blanket, not directly on Rich's body, but close enough.) Yikes!

Being my loving and altruistic self I gently removed Smudge from the bedroom, gathered up some Kleenex and cleaned up the mess. With three cats at home I'm pretty used to it. Unfortunately Rich woke up during the cleaning process and was about to roll over when I cautioned him not to move. And of course I had to tell him why he had to stay still.

Oh, and the next morning after we gave Izzy a bath to remove the anal gland smell and the leftover skunk smell, she threw up a mix of water and tomato juice onto the bathroom floor. Talk about the piece de resistance!

And yes, we'll be sitting for Izzy and Smudge again soon. Because this is how much we love them and their human family. Either that or we're suckers. Can't decide.

Ironical?

Those of you who've visited my home and used my bathroom know that I have a little magnet on my towel bar that says "Toilet" on it, in the mode of the London "Tube" subway signs.

Yesterday I accidentally knocked the magnet off my towel bar. It fell into the toilet mid-flush.

R.I.P. dear magnet. And please don't clog my pipes.

A Recent Conversation

SETTING: RICH's bedroom in suburban Danvers, Massachusetts. CHLOE and RICH are watching his 52-inch high-definition flat screen TV when PEGGY (RICH's MOM) knocks and enters.

PEGGY: Richard, I got this bracelet with my Avon order. Do you want it?

RICH (using Redneck voice): Mommer, what in the hell is that?

PEGGY: It's a pink bracelet from the Susan G. Komen Foundation for breast cancer prevention and research. Avon made a small donation with my order and they sent me this bracelet.

(RICH stares in utter confusion)

CHLOE: You know, honey, to show that you support those who are going through treatment, who've survived breast cancer, that you're hoping researchers find a cure...

(RICH continues to stare in confusion. PEGGY and CHLOE look at each other knowingly.)

CHLOE: Tell you what Peggy, I'll wear the bracelet -

PEGGY: Here you are Chloe, thank you. (Hands CHLOE the bracelet)

CHLOE (pointedly): - because I'm not an asshole who lacks empathy for those who have been affected by serious illnesses.

PEGGY: That's right! Did you hear that, asshole?

RICH (tries to look innocent): Mommer?

CHLOE: It's okay Peggy, I know how devastated Rich would be if I had to have my breasts removed.

(PEGGY explodes with laughter)

PEGGY: He'd be upset if my breasts were removed, and he doesn't even use them anymore!

(Both women laugh hysterically. RICH cringes with embarassment.)


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