Things I never thought I'd say

"Honey, please don't put that teething ring back in your mouth after you've rubbed it on the cat's asshole."

Boobs

As an expectant mother I've been reading and thinking a lot about breasts. Partly the physical changes that are happening to mine - what's with the areola freckles? are these sharp shooting pains really necessary? - but more importantly as a means of feeding my baby.

I've always assumed that I would breastfeed. For the vast majority of mothers and babies it is the ideal way. Mother's milk provides all manner of health benefits that no infant formula ever could. According to the mothers I've talked to it's one of the most rewarding, loving, nurturing acts a mother and baby can engage in. The American Academy of Pediatricians (AAP) recommends breastfeeding for the first 12 months of life, even after the introduction of solid foods at 4-6 months. Plus, formula is expensive! According to Baby 411 by Denise Fields and Ari Brown MD, one year's supply of the cheapest store-brand powder formula costs about $800, $500 for just the first six months! To me it just doesn't make sense to spend that kind of money on what is actually an inferior product.

Many mothers do make that choice, for various medical or lifestyle or logistical reasons, and I certainly don't judge them for it. How to feed one's baby is a personal family decision and nobody else's business. And my decision is to breastfeed exclusively and on demand for AT LEAST the first 12 months of my son's life.

I realize that breastfeeding is a learned art, and not all mothers and babies take to it naturally. So I'm doing all I can to research the topic in the hopes that education will help me to overcome or minimize any obstacles, and I'm feeling pretty optimistic. My doctor is supportive of my decision, and I have indicated in my birth plan not to give my baby any bottles or pacifiers, in order to establish a breastfeeding routine as early as possible. The hospital where I'll be delivering has lactation consultants, pump rentals, a low-cost breastfeeding support group and a 24-hour breastfeeding support hotline. And my mother, who breastfed my brother and me all those decades ago, will be staying with us for a few weeks after my son's birth. Her support and experience will be invaluable, I'm sure.

As a breastfeeding mother, I'm sure there will be times when I will need to nurse my son in public. For some reason this is controversial. Mainly because our culture views breasts as sexual objects, not as functioning mammary glands designed for feeding babies. Many states, including my adopted home state of Tennessee, have laws on the books stating that mothers have the right to breastfeed their babies at any location, public or private, where women and infants are otherwise allowed to be. Unfortunately, many business owners don't give a shit about the legal rights of breastfeeding mothers and their babies. If some prude or pervert complains, a manager or security guard will happily tell a woman to:

• a.) cover the baby's head with a blanket


• b.) go to the restroom


• c.) breastfeed in the "privacy" and "comfort" of the mother's car


• d.) go home

Here are my retorts, based on my own views and what I've read on the websites, blogs and newsgroups of experienced nursing mothers and self-described lactivists:

• Blankets are hot and uncomfortable for both mother and baby. Babies often cry and throw the blanket off themselves, which makes breastfeeding more difficult and draws more attention to the situation. More importantly, they're a suffocation risk! Repeatedly breathing in one's own carbon dioxide in an enclosed space? Not healthy and not safe. If a nursing cover is invented that is roomy, breathable and comfortable for both mother and baby, I'll be the first to buy it. Until then, um, no.

• Who the hell eats on the toilet? Not me! Restaurant bathrooms are often smelly and unclean. Food court bathrooms are worse. Now, if a hotel-style ladies room with comfortable seating is available, I'll take it. But most restrooms that are open to the public leave much to be desired in terms of hygiene and cleanliness. I'm hesitant to change a diaper in most of those places, let alone feed my child in one!

• Every news article and informational pamphlet I've ever read about women's self-defense has strongly suggested that women NEVER sit alone in their parked cars. Doing so leaves women vulnerable to violent crime by assailants who either forcibly remove their victims from their cars (either through unlocked car doors or by smashing car windows) or wait in the shadows until the victim exits her vehicle. Having a defenseless baby in one's arms is no protection against a dangerous predator. And given the child-restraint laws enacted in all 50 states, a mother sitting in her car with a breastfeeding infant in her arms cannot quickly and safely flee the scene if she fears for her life.

• Why should I have to leave your place of business in order to feed my baby? My money is as good as anyone else's. If another customer is positioned so that they can see a portion of one or more of my boobs - which has been happening to me since I was 12 and started wearing low-cut tops - and they find it offensive, they should either avert their eyes, walk away or ask to be seated at another table.

I have a right to breastfeed wherever I am, and my baby will have a right to be fed whenever he's hungry no matter where we are. The general public, however, does not have a right to never be offended! Heck, I'm a pretty open-minded person, and I get offended every day. I find it distasteful when people spit in public, or refuse to wear deodorant, or wear T-shirts emblazoned with vulgar or sexist slogans, or can't get out a sentence without dropping multiple F-bombs. (No I haven't given up cussing but there are times and places for it.) Do I go up to them and tell them what to do with their lives? No, I put on my big girl panties and either look away or walk away. People who think breastfeeding (in public or private) is somehow dirty or distasteful should grow up and do the same.

Also, breastfeeding rates are slowly climbing after 50+ years of bottle-feeding and formula as the norm. The last time the majority of American mothers breastfed their infants was in the 1950's. At that time mothers rarely worked outside the home, and families did not spend anywhere near as much time shopping and dining out as we do now. Would the retail and hospitality industries like to turn the clock back 50 years, to when the average family dined out at a restaurant once or twice a year rather than once or twice a week? What would happen to their bottom lines, and those of their publicly-traded parent companies?

I hope to God that I'm never confronted by any well-meaning idiots about this. I'm not interested in "causing trouble" or starting fights with strangers about this. Nevertheless I am not going to apologize for doing what's best for my son's health. Instead I will join my local chapter of La Leche League, attend breastfeeding support groups if necessary, continue educating myself and others about nursing mothers' rights, and feed my son wherever and whenever he asks to be fed. I will carry a copy of Tennessee's breastfeeding-in-public law with me in my diaper bag, in case I'm accosted by any uninformed restaurant managers, store personnel, or - even worse - law enforcement officials.

I will also be contacting my elected officials at the state and federal level, to ask them to enforce and strengthen current pro-breastfeeding statutes. They vary from state to state, and some states have no law on the books to protect breastfeeding mothers from being arrested for indecent exposure! The ones that do generally limit their protection to mothers whose infants are 12 years of age or younger, which leaves those who nurse their older toddlers vulnerable to harassment and arrest. Personally I'm not sure how long I'll be breastfeeding my son, but some mothers nurse up to 5 or 6 years of age, and they should have a right to do so in public or private. The AAP says that beyond the first year, breastfeeding should be continued "as long as mutually desired," therefore I see no reason why these laws are limited to mothers of infants.

Also, it's not clear from the legal information I've read online what the penalties are for individuals or businesses who disregard or try to interfere with breastfeeding mothers' rights. The civil and criminal penalties should be clearly established and enforced. Businesses might stop harassing nursing mothers if it will hit them in the pocketbook and embarass them in the press. This really isn't a political issue, as there are "lactivists" of liberal, conservative, moderate and libertarian persuasions. It's an issue of public health and civil liberties.

On a lighter note, I broke down and bought some "nursing clothing" from Motherwear.com that arrived today. Most women tell me that apparel designed specifically for nursing is expensive and unnecessary, but I made an exception for two reasons. First of all, I don't have any nursing bras yet - I've been advised not to buy them till shortly after the baby is born so I can judge how big my engorged breasts will be - but I decided I would like a couple of nursing tank tops to wear around the house, when I don't need hardcore support. And most nursing tanks are designed for women who are much thinner and less endowed than I am. However, Motherwear's sizes run up to 3X, far more democratic than retailers who think "extra-large" means "size 8." Also they have a section called "ValueLine" on their website that features lower-cost, more basic nursing tops and dresses. So I bought one nursing camisole with a built-in shelf bra and one basic tank top with cleverly concealed openings for the nips. I'm very excited about these purchases and will definitely be packing them for the hospital! Yay!

Random Prego Moments

Burst into tears tonight while watching the Friends rerun where Monica & Chandler find out they won't be able to conceive a child together. Yes these are fictional characters and this show originally aired a few years ago. It still made me cry. And it reminded me of how lucky we are. So many couples can't conceive a child, or shouldn't have one due to medical reasons, and this one just dropped out of the clear blue sky! Well not literally, there was no stork involved. As Rich's mom Peggy said when we broke the news, "Well, I'm not going to ask how it happened..."
While trying to unwrap a baked potato delivered from Off-the-Grill tonight, I knocked over the remote and dropped the HOT baked potato on the floor at the same time! (Fortunately it was still 90% wrapped in foil.) Not that I've ever been very coordinated but this is klutzy even for me. I'm starting to identify with Tonks, the clumsy Auror from the Harry Potter books - except I'm not a Metamorphmagus with a werewolf husband. (Speaking of which, how sad is it that Tonks & Lupin had to die? Apparently JK Rowling had to kill them off in exchange for not killing Mr. Weasley. Tough choices.)

My feet are hot all the time! This happens to all pregnant women apparently but it doesn't help when the weather in your area is this hot. It's been over 100 degrees almost every day for about 3 weeks now! This is just ridiculous. I meant to buy myself a nice footbath unit with built-in massage for my birthday but couldn't find one at WalMart and ended up spending too much money on other things. So the other night I got so desperate for relief that I filled Rich's big mixing bowl with cold water, added one of his frozen water bottles for good measure, and dipped my feet in. It felt great! Now I need to wash it and do that again but I can never seem to fit the damn thing into the dishwasher, and my housekeeping motto has always been "Death Before Handwashing." Something's gotta give.

I finally broke down and bought Jenny McCarthy's book Baby Laughs. It's good - not Pulitzer material by a long shot but a quick & funny read. Of course I had to laugh when she complained of having to go from a size 4 or 6 to a size 12. (Oh you poor thing - try getting knocked up when you're already a size 18! She also mentioned that she gained about 50-60 pounds during her pregnancy, while I probably haven't gained more than 10 yet. I remember Kate Hudson gained about 70 pounds when she was pregnant, so I guess these skinny ass Hollywood chicks have to catch up to normal weight and then some! Pregnancy is probably the only time they're allowed to eat, poor girls.) Anyway, she had some humorous and humanizing thoughts on the various things that happen to our bodies during those nine precious months. Like pretty pink areolas turning brown. Constipation. Nasty farts of death. Having to pee every 5 minutes. Granny panties. And at least I don't have to go through this in the public eye. Having nothing stylish & flattering to wear is no big deal when you hardly leave the house. God forbid having to host an awards show in this condition! And have Howard Stern talk about your boobs the next day!

Bought a prenatal yoga DVD when I ordered Jenny's book. Now I forget how to work the DVD player! Rich will be home tomorrow, I'll have him give me another tutorial. (Am I turning into my mother already?) BTW today is Rich's birthday - he's 32! I've already bought him a few gifts and am insisting on taking him out for either lunch or dinner this weekend. He's going to try to pay and I won't let him.

I'm finishing up my 21st week. Not sure if a casual observer would notice but I definitely look pregnant to me! I've always had a belly, as I went straight from baby fat to adult fat with no hot bikini figure in between, but my belly has never started just under my boobs before. This is definitely pregnant form. Those of you in the Boston area will see me in late September - early October, and I should look even more pregnant by then.

The baby is kicking! Not hard, not like I thought it would be. More of a fluttering sensation that can easily be mistaken for gas. When the fart doesn't come I know it's the baby, not my intestines. Naturally he never kicks when I'm ready and waiting for it, he prefers to wait till I'm distracted, then it's like "wait, was that a kick?"

Got a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning. Nothing special like an ultrasound, just urine and blood test as far as I know. TennCare, the state Medicaid program, has this incentive program to keep pregnant women on schedule with their prenatal visits - for every 3 office visits you get a $10 WalMart gift card! Now I'm not the kind of mother who needs to be cajoled into making and keeping those appointments - on the contrary I had to wait much longer than I would have prefered thanks to TennCare's paperwork backlog - but I'm not going to say no to $10 free money. We're at WalMart almost every weekend so it will be put to good use.

Michael Vick deserves to be shot. Better yet, electrocuted and drowned. A few years of getting butt-raped on a regular basis would work too. Sick piece of shit.

Red Sox didn't play the White Sox tonight due to inclement weather. That means a double-header tomorrow! Can't wait to watch my guys win both games and leave the Yanks further in the dust.

Not sure if I mentioned this before, but Zorro is very interested in my belly. Every day he spends at least half an hour cuddled up to my midsection while I'm lying in bed or sitting on the recliner. Sometimes he "kneads" my belly flesh. Zorro generally prefers the company of males, especially Rich (aka Daddy), who says Zorro is doing this because he knows there's a penis in my belly. I'd like to think it's something about animals sensing subtle energy changes, but whatever works. I'm alone all week with the damn cat, so I'm grateful for all the affection I can get out of the little beast.

Going to bed, gotta be up in 9 hours to get to my appointment. Talk again soon!

Pregnancy Updates

Yeah... for those of you who haven't been living under an unlisted rock - I'm PREGNANT!

We're having a boy and he's due New Year's Day. Right now I'm in my 20th week and the doctor says everything looks good. We had an ultrasound three weeks ago (duh that's how we know the gender!) and everyone has commented on the impressive size of his head. Let's hope I don't need a C-section! But if I do it's not the end of the world.

Back story... last April my period didn't show up, but I wasn't paying close attention to the calendar and chalked it up to stress and travel since we'd just taken a road trip. Then in early May I noticed that I had to pee all the time, and the clothes I'd bought the week before were too tight, and then I started feeling a little queasy every morning while simultaneously craving foods that were NOT on my diet... So I took a ClearBlue Easy test with a "digital readout" feature, meaning that the word "Pregnant" showed up in a little screen on the dipstick a minute after I'd peed on it. Once I got my knees to stop shaking I shared the information with Rich. We spent the next few hours talking and crying (well the crying was all me) and making up from all the arguments we'd had recently. Eventually we both went to sleep, and in the morning I told Rich I wanted to keep the baby. He said that was fine with him, and the rest is history.

The reason I'd been so upset about the pregnancy was that I did not have health insurance at the time. Plus we were both between jobs; I was temping off and on, and Rich was transitioning back to work after spending a few months day-trading. Not the best situation to bring a baby into... Then a coworker at my temp assignment told me about TennCare, the state Medicaid program, which just about always approves pregnant women. So I applied for TennCare, got an "official" pregnancy test from Planned Parenthood (positive, of course) as proof of my condition, and bided my time for a whole month (yes, a month!) before I was notified to come in and meet with a caseworker. The waiting around sucked of course, and the Department of Human Services place was, in a word, icky. The walls were painted a color I can only describe as "puke blue" and it was hot and crowded and not fun. But after a few hours of waiting (yes you read that correctly) I met with a caseworker who kindly approved me for TennCare coverage. Phew!

I found a very nice OBGYN named Dr. Hamilton, whose office is located at my neighborhood hospital. Due to the TennCare processing time - apparently they take a month to review every application - I was in my 15th week before I could get any prenatal care. But Dr. Hamilton's nurse, Tia, assured me that I hadn't missed much, and that I'd probably saved myself a blood test or two. During this visit Tia checked the baby's heart rate with a Doppler device, and it sounded good and strong! I got all teary-eyed over it... Tia also confirmed that, based on the heart rate, I had correctly ballparked the gestational age.

Two weeks later I had my ultrasound appointment. Rich took the day off from work for this, and we're both very glad he did! If you've never had a baby I can tell you, there's nothing like seeing your unborn child's image on the screen, seeing the heart pumping... it's just incredible. Even Rich, tough guy that he is, was touched. The ultrasound tech was quite a character, and his humor really put us at ease. When he located the baby's genitalia he kindly pointed out the penis and scrotum, and labeled it "Weenie." We have a 9-minute video of the ultrasound session, which yielded these still images:

Rich kindly added his own artistic touch to this image - I had no idea he was so talented!

So anyway Rich has a good job now, and I have health coverage, and we're both very happy and excited. Yes it's not necessarily the best timing but we've accepted that. Our baby will be born to adults who are in love and living together, and who already love the baby very much. We haven't set a date yet but yes, we are planning to get married. We haven't picked a name yet - we're calling him the Player To Be Named Later. And I will try to blog more often and keep you updated on all things baby!

That Which Does and Does Not Suck

What sucks in my life right now:

- It took me 3 years to complete a 9-month massage therapy certification program due to my chronic procrastination and inability to get paperwork together
- I still don't have a driver's license
- Even though I live in the "Mid South" it still gets cold in the winter
- Most of my size 16 pants are too small for me now. This happens when you're 5'4" and top out at a couple o' bills
- I just got over a cold and generously gave it to my boyfriend
- My temp job calls for 12.5-hour shifts starting at 7am - on weekends! - and I am not exactly a morning person
- Bonnie, one of my cats from back home, recently had to be put to sleep.

What does not suck, to say the least:

- It may have taken me a while, but I finally graduated from massage school. Next stop: taking (and passing) the NCETMB, obtaining a Tennessee massage therapy license, and establishing my practice!
- I'm calling a driving school tomorrow, procrastination be damned! And I'm allowed to use my Massachusetts learner's permit in Tennessee, that'll mean one less DMV fee.
- It's nowhere near as cold, or snowy, in Middle Tennessee as it is in Eastern Massachusetts. Seriously, they freak out here over a dusting the way we hardy New Englanders freak about an imminent blizzard. It's actually quite amusing to watch the weather forecasts.
- Last week I began working out with Roger, my new personal trainer. It's hard work but totally worth it. I'd missed the old post-workout, walking-funny-for-three-days-cuz-my-thighs-are-friggin-killing-me sensation! With Roger's help and my own stubbornness - er, determination - I should be down to a size 12 by summertime. Developing some lung capacity and reducing my risk of various future health problems will be pretty sweet too.
- If Rich has the same cold as me, it's not great but we've both had worse. And it's nice to be sharing the same living space. Very nice.
- Yeah, the hours are weird at my job, but it's a full time paycheck squeezed into a 3 day workweek. That gives me Tuesday thru Friday to do whatever I want. Like take driving lessons, study for the exam, work out, and hang out with my "bah"
- Losing BonBon? A senseless tragedy. The shittiest thing that has happened in a long, long time. The silver lining is that she's no longer suffering, and I never had to watch her suffer. In my memories she will always be a healthy, happy, flirty little girl of a cat.

Overall, things are pretty good. I miss home a little, but it's fun and exciting to explore a new place. When the weather gets better we're going to visit the zoo, take a dinner cruise down the Cumberland River, and check out some of the nearby state parks and historic sites, of which there are many. In the meantime we're content to make the most of our Netflix membership and cable modem. And despite my legendary procrastination I promise to blog more. And upload some pictures once in a while.

My Man's Got Bad Pet Karma (Warning: possible TMI post)

This happened a couple weeks ago while Rich & I were housesitting for my cousin Paige and her husband Theron in Malden. We like to help them with the house when they're out of town because their dog Isobelle, aka Izzy, is a sweet, outgoing, energetic beagle who's a lot of fun. Plus their cat Smudge is the prettiest, sweetest little kitty in the whole wide world. Awwww!!!

Anyway, Rich's sister Emily flew home from her spring break softball tournament in Florida, and we volunteered to pick her up from the airport that night, because we're good like that. (Coincidentally this was the same night Ayla Brown flew back to after being voted off from American Idol, and Rich later ran into the camera crew covering her arrival.) We decided to bring Izzy along in case of any flight or traffic delays, because she doesn't like being alone in the house for too long. When we got to TF Green I took Izzy for a quick walk, bagged her doggie poo, and put her back in the truck with Rich while I looked for a trash can to dispose of the bag. I got back to the truck to find Izzy settled on Rich's lap in the drivers seat, which was soooooo cute! Wish I'd had a camera...

So we're sitting there listening to the radio and petting the doggie when Rich feels something wet on his leg. Turns out Izzy had secreted some fluid from her anal glands, and Rich now had a nasty-smelling wet spot on his leg! The odor was really gross, worse than the smell Izzy had sustained in a recent encounter with a local skunk. (Two encounters in one week, actually. Some dogs just don't learn.)

Meanwhile, Rich was fretting the wet spot on his jeans, thinking it looked like he'd peed himself - not a good look in front of airport security. So with Izzy banished to the backseat and the windows down to get rid of the essence des glands anals, Rich turned on the heat, wriggled out of his jeans, and held them in front of the air vent to dry the spot. Within minutes the spot was dry, Rich put his pants back on and all was well. But you must realize this is the same strait-laced guy who freaked out once when I changed my clothes Catholic school-style in his truck, much later in the evening, in a much less busy area! I started laughing my ass off and asked him, "Before you met me, would you ever have had occasion to take your pants off in an airport parking lot?" He had to admit that he wouldn't have. This is the effect I have on normal people.

Later that night I woke to find Smudge, the aforementioned sweet kitty cat, had jumped up on the bed. She came up to me purring her little heart out, letting me pet her, and walking back and forth across the bed like cats often do. After a few minutes she started to make that signature noise cats make when they're about to barf up some undigested kibble... and barf she did, right on poor, unsuspecting, fast-asleep Rich! (Technically she did it on the blanket, not directly on Rich's body, but close enough.) Yikes!

Being my loving and altruistic self I gently removed Smudge from the bedroom, gathered up some Kleenex and cleaned up the mess. With three cats at home I'm pretty used to it. Unfortunately Rich woke up during the cleaning process and was about to roll over when I cautioned him not to move. And of course I had to tell him why he had to stay still.

Oh, and the next morning after we gave Izzy a bath to remove the anal gland smell and the leftover skunk smell, she threw up a mix of water and tomato juice onto the bathroom floor. Talk about the piece de resistance!

And yes, we'll be sitting for Izzy and Smudge again soon. Because this is how much we love them and their human family. Either that or we're suckers. Can't decide.

Ironical?

Those of you who've visited my home and used my bathroom know that I have a little magnet on my towel bar that says "Toilet" on it, in the mode of the London "Tube" subway signs.

Yesterday I accidentally knocked the magnet off my towel bar. It fell into the toilet mid-flush.

R.I.P. dear magnet. And please don't clog my pipes.

Disturbing Is . . .

Walking in on your mother watching "101 Sexiest Bodies" on E! with the sound turned off.

Yikes!

You Know You Love Your Cat When...

you take a piece of paper towel and yank a dingleberry off his butt because he's too damn fluffy to groom himself properly.

Time for a trip to the vet's for a "sanitary clip."