A Recent Conversation

SETTING: RICH's bedroom in suburban Danvers, Massachusetts. CHLOE and RICH are watching his 52-inch high-definition flat screen TV when PEGGY (RICH's MOM) knocks and enters.

PEGGY: Richard, I got this bracelet with my Avon order. Do you want it?

RICH (using Redneck voice): Mommer, what in the hell is that?

PEGGY: It's a pink bracelet from the Susan G. Komen Foundation for breast cancer prevention and research. Avon made a small donation with my order and they sent me this bracelet.

(RICH stares in utter confusion)

CHLOE: You know, honey, to show that you support those who are going through treatment, who've survived breast cancer, that you're hoping researchers find a cure...

(RICH continues to stare in confusion. PEGGY and CHLOE look at each other knowingly.)

CHLOE: Tell you what Peggy, I'll wear the bracelet -

PEGGY: Here you are Chloe, thank you. (Hands CHLOE the bracelet)

CHLOE (pointedly): - because I'm not an asshole who lacks empathy for those who have been affected by serious illnesses.

PEGGY: That's right! Did you hear that, asshole?

RICH (tries to look innocent): Mommer?

CHLOE: It's okay Peggy, I know how devastated Rich would be if I had to have my breasts removed.

(PEGGY explodes with laughter)

PEGGY: He'd be upset if my breasts were removed, and he doesn't even use them anymore!

(Both women laugh hysterically. RICH cringes with embarassment.)


---- CURTAIN ----

Aloud

Thursday night I went to see Aloud, a wonderful up-and-coming local band, at TT the Bear's with my good friend Melissa (aka the Hetero Life Mate). Through Melissa I became casually acquainted with Jen and Henry, the two singer-guitarists in the band. When we met a few years back, Jen and Henry were great kids with a dream who would bring their guitars to parties and engage everyone in all-night singalongs. Many a morning I'd wake up on Melissa's old futon (aka the flip 'n' fuck) with a hangover and sore vocal cords from screaming along to Oasis tunes all night. Along the way they formed Aloud with kick-ass rhythm section Roy and Ross, and their raw young talent began to emerge.

Fast-forward a few years and Aloud has cut two independent CD's with a full-length album on the way. They've toured all over the Northeast and written some great songs. The music is straight-ahead rock n' roll, not too heavy or too mellow, with plenty of energy, gorgeous harmonies and unique lyrics. I'm planning to go see them at Dodge Street in Salem next month, anyone who wants to come with me (and maybe drive me home?) is welcome to tag along.

Check them out at allthingsaloud.com and tell 'em Chloe sent you.

Top Five

Here's a list of my top five favorite (or least favorite) things, as ripped off from "High Fidelity" (great movie, better book):

Five Favorite Fruits, not counting Elton John
(sorry Mom, couldn't resist):
1. Strawberries
2. Blueberries
3. Apples
4. Oranges
5. Bananas

Five Favorite Vegetables (insert outdated Terri Schiavo joke here):
1. Tomatoes
2. Cucumbers
3. Broccoli
4. Corn
5. Cauliflower

Five Favorite Power Ballads (so bad they're good):
1. "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner
2. "Open Arms" by Journey
3. "The Flame" by Cheap Trick
4. "When the Children Cry" by White Lion
5. "Winds of Change" by Scorpion

Five Favorite Stand-Up Comics:
1. George Carlin
2. Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P.)
3. Richard Pryor
4. Margaret Cho
5. Jeff Foxworthy/Ron White/Bill Engvall (3-way tie)

Five Favorite Places to Shop for Clothing Baaahgins:
1. Garment District
2. Filene's Basement
3. TJ Maxx
4. Marshall's
5. Walgreens - it takes some sorting through bins, but you can find yourself some very comfy sweats, PJs, socks, mittens etc.

Five Ways I Won Rich's Heart:
1. Spilling salad dressing on my shirt on our first date
2. Blowing a huge bubble resulting in gum stuck to my glasses
3. Learning all the words to "Long Haired Country Boy" by Charlie Daniels, AND singing along when Joe Nichols performed it at FanFair last June
4. Hocking a lungie out the window of his truck while driving down Route 1
5. Buying him socks

Five Favorite Childhood Memories:
1. Eating a lobster-shaped red candy lollipop
2. Dancing in the basement with my life-size Grover doll
3. Sledding downhill for several hours in below-freezing temperatures, then going inside and drinking mug after mug of cocoa
4. Sucking on my chlorine-infused hair after "free swim" at the Y
5. The swings

Five Shows I Try Not to Miss:
1. Daily Show
2. The Colbert Report
3. House
4. Boston Legal
5. Letterman

Five Shows I Often Miss and Feel Bad About It:
1. Family Guy
2. The Simpsons
3. Degrassi: Next - I'm about a season and a half behind!
4. Letterman, because he's on at the same time as Stephen Colbert
5. Inside the Actors Studio

Five Girls I'd Go Gay For:
1. Angelina Jolie
2. Catherine Zeta-Jones
3. Maria Sharapova - How does she exert herself that hard and still look so good? 5 minutes on a treadmill and I'm a sweaty red-faced freak!
4. Kate Winslet
5. Kiera Knightley

Five Celebrity Couples I'd Happily Never Hear From Again:
1. Britney and Kevin
2. Hilary Duff and her dog-faced sister
3. Paris Hilton and whoever she's fucking at the moment
4. Carson Daly and his dumbass show
5. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, who I actually used to respect

Five Favorite Places I've Visited:
1. St. George's, Bermuda
2. St. Petersburg, Russia
3. San Francisco
4. Copenhagen
5. Porvoo, Finland

Five Places I'd Like to Visit Someday:
1. Venice
2. Paris
3. Morocco
4. Santorini
5. The Panama Canal

Five Pet Peeves:
1. Finding a dead bug in my glass after finishing most of my drink
2. Camel toes
3. Underwires that stick up way too high and poke me in the armpit
4. Umbrella-busting gusts of wind
5. Realizing I missed a spot after shaving my legs

I may add more later. And feel free to comment with your own lists!

Welcome!

It's about time I started one of these blog thingies. Seems like all the cool kids are doing it.

More musings will come when I'm feeling lucent. Or less tired.

Cheers!

The Reason Insurance Rates Are So High In This City

Apparently in downtown Lynn, if you see a red light, a walk signal, and a pedestrian in the crosswalk, you don't stop. Instead you STEP ON IT hard enough for said pedestrian to hear a loud SQUEEEEAAAAKKKK!!!! as you accelerate through said crosswalk.

She missed me by about a foot. Work on your aim, bitch!