Chloe's Christmas (Xhloe's Xmas?)

This year was probably the best Christmas in recent memory! Yay!!!

Rich & I got up early Sunday morning to unwrap presents with his family at 7 am. What can I say, they're early risers. His parents got me a cookie jar with cats all over it, a "wall vase" shaped like a giant teacup with fat cat butts on it, and some wooden cooking spoons to store in the vase. The cookie jar and wall vase should coordinate nicely with the set of cat pepper & salt shakers they got me last year. (Hmmm, am I sensing a hint or two?) They also got me a beautiful aquamarine butterfly necklace with matching earrings, a big ass can of peanuts for my upcoming post-Yuletide low carb regimen, and some socks in colors I like.

The presents Rich & I gave his family were well received. Among them: A framed photo of Tedy Bruschi jumping around in the snow from that famous playoff game that got us to Super Bowl XXXVIII for Rich's stepfather, and a Maxim calendar for his brother Mike. Between the calendar and the Hooters Hot Wings cooking set I got for Rich, I'm not sure I qualify as a feminist anymore. Doh!

Later in the morning we picked up my grandma, GayGay, from her nursing home and brought her to my place. GayGay is 89 and suffers from Alzheimer's, but thankfully she still recognizes her loved ones and was very happy to see us. My brother Randy (aka Aredubya, R-Dubs, Bertrand, Alayna's Beeyotch) and his wife Alayna (aka Layner, The Wife) drove down from Londonderry NH to share Christmas dinner with my mom (aka Maaaa) and Irene (aka Maaaa's fiancée). Irene is British and Maaaa is an Anglophile, both literally and figuratively, so we had a traditional roast beef dinner with Yorkshire pudding, parsnips, peas and two kinds of potatoes. We also pulled crackers, a British tradition, and donned the requisite paper hats before dinner. For dessert we had homemade trifle, which was delicious!

NOTE: WEIRD ANECDOTE AHEAD!
We assembled in the living room after dinner to begin the gift-giving festivities. I was a little chilly so I grabbed one of our fleece throws and covered my legs with it, only to see a pair of women's underwear fall out! Randy and Alayna burst out laughing, assuming they were my panties, which they were not. They didn't belong to Maaaa, GayGay or Alayna either. A minute later Irene came back from the bathroom. I asked "Are these yours?" to which she replied "Yes, those are my knickers, thanks!" This set off yet another round of hysterical laughter as I flung the panties at Irene. I'm going to assume they were laundered with the fleece blanket and leave it at that.

The gift-giving went well at my house too. Maaaa was very pleased with the Magic Bullet (tm) blender/juicer/food processor combo Rich purchased after a long night of infomercials. We also got her a pet stroller so she can easily transport the cats to the vet when needed. Irene was thrilled with the shirts I got her from Old Navy and the Black Magic chocolates we purchased from a British food store. Randy and Alayna were very pleased with their new chocolate fountain, with which I expect them to entertain me imminently! GayGay got some new clothes, plenty of socks, and a chenille throw for her bed, all of which she will enjoy. And Rich got some nice new clothes and underwear as well as a set of Truck Nutz to hang from his rear bumper. Yee haw!

Hope all of you had a Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, or whatever brand of spiritual renewal you dig. Enjoy!

And if I get lazy and don't post again for a while, Happy New Year!

Happy Holidays vs Merry Christmas

First of all, these reactionary neoconservative (so-called) Christians who are all pissed at hearing "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" are a bunch of morons. I don't pretend to be God or Jesus, but I believe the time and energy of Christians would be better spent performing good works in the true spirit of God's love, like squeezing in a volunteer shift at the local homeless shelter between punching matches over who gets the last XBox 360.

The other night I spent about half an hour on the phone with a very nice, very helpful tech support person who concluded our call by wishing me a Merry Christmas, and I wished her one as well. I happen to celebrate Christmas, but how did she know that? She did know my mom's last name, as the account is in her name, but my mom could have remarried or kept her maiden name. How does tech support lady know I'm not, like, Chloe Horowitz or something equally "Jew-y," as Jon Stewart would say?

Or I could be a Jehovah's Witness. There's an active and growing Jehovah's Witnesses population in Lynn, and the Witnesses I've met have all been very nice people. Last year I innocently asked a coworker of mine if he'd had a nice Christmas, and he told me he didn't celebrate it. But he didn't get all offended or anything. He just said I was welcome to get him a present anyway. Good kid.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not upset about being wished a Merry Christmas. Even if I didn't celebrate this particular holiday, I can always use a little merriment. Especially at this time of year when the days are short, the resume is getting no responses, and I spend my days watching crap TV and consuming as much whole grain as possible just to see how many bowel movements I can make in one day. (For the record, I'm up to five!)

But these dickless pieces of shit like Bill O'Reilly who are calling for boycotts of any retailer whose employees wish customers a Happy Holiday instead of a Merry Christmas are not being politically courageous. They are STUPID! I can think of many reasons to boycott WalMart, but being wished a Happy Holiday instead of a Merry Christmas isn't one of them.

Once we get past the crass commercialism of the season, Christmas is supposed to be about Peace On Earth and Goodwill Toward Men. And Goodwill toward Women. Unless we're trying to fill a prescription for emergency contraception at their local WalMart. Then we're sinful, uppity, man-hating, baby-murdering Jezebels. Right, Pat Robertson?

I kinda dig Chloe Horowitz. Maybe I'll just take that name when I get married instead of taking Rich's name. Mazel tov.