The Recovering Non-Alcoholic

Things I never thought I'd say

2008-10-19T01:02:00.002-04:00

"Honey, please don't put that teething ring back in your mouth after you've rubbed it on the cat's asshole."

Playing catch up (or is it ketchup? catsup?)

2008-08-19T01:16:00.004-04:00

OK... I haven't blogged since March. It's now August. I'll bring you up to speed:

Eddie is 7 months old, weighs 18 lbs and measures 26.5 inches. He has 3 teeth and we're expecting tooth #4, the top left front tooth, any day now. I can see it through his gum. Teething sucks, our poor baby is in pain all the time! We use a lot of Baby Orajel and he has some nice teething toys and a teething blanket. Though his favorite teething toy is his hand or my finger. Typical. He has a little cold right now but I have it too so he's getting my antibodies in his milk.

He looks more and more like his daddy every day! Except for the coloring, he has blue eyes like I did and his hair is an indescribable color - alternately red, blond or light brown depending on the light. Rich has several redheads in his family and I kinda hope Eddie got the red hair gene, but we'll see what happens.

Eddie's starting to crawl! He's been commando-crawling on his belly for weeks, and lately he's been getting up on all fours and rocking back and forth. He'll be putting both skills together any day now. And he rolls around all the time! I have to put one leg across his belly when I change his diapers. Otherwise he rolls away from me and gets poop all over the place.

We're still breastfeeding, and Eddie has been eating solid foods for over a month now. His cousin Sylvie was kind enough to give him her gently-used high chair, which makes feeding much easier. We mostly feed him Beechnut baby food but he also gets Earth's Best or Gerber Organic here and there, and a few times I've pureed carrots or bananas for him. He's up to 2 solid meals a day and we nurse before and after, since breastmilk is still his primary source of nutrition. Usually he gets 2 vegetables or a veggie and fruit at lunch, then at dinner we mix a fruit or a vegetable with rice cereal and pumped breastmilk. His favorites are peas and sweet potatoes. He'll also eat carrots and most fruits, but he didn't like the chicken or turkey baby food. I tried it myself and the texture is a little tacky, maybe we'll hold off on meat & poultry till he can chew more thoroughly. By September he should be eating 3 solid food meals a day, then we can introduce the stage 2 foods. As far as weaning is concerned I plan on introducing whole milk around his first birthday, and continue to offer the breast until he doesn't want it anymore. We'll leave it up to him unless we really need to wean him completely.

We've also made some new friends! I found a wonderful playgroup of local parents and kids. Eddie's the youngest in the group, the next oldest is a year older than him and the rest range from 2-10 years. The moms in the group are great, very down-to-earth people who've really made me feel at home. The kids are a lot of fun too, I'm getting a preview of what's in store for Eddie down the road, and the other moms and older kids enjoy him too. We usually meet once a week at a local playground, or if the weather doesn't cooperate we go to McDonald's so the kids can use the play area. We've had some birthday parties lately for both adults and kids, and a group of us went to the zoo last month. Got some great pics of that! There's a picnic in the works for later this month, and a BBQ next month, plus a girls' night out at some point. Rich also went along for a guys' night with some of the other husbands. The guys are great too and he enjoys hanging out with them. I'm so glad to have such great friends down here!

OK I'm heading to bed. Got a full day ahead of us tomorrow - playgroup, errands, and getting Eddie over his cold.

Flying With an Infant

2008-03-05T19:58:00.011-05:00

As if merely taking a baby out in public wasn't challenging enough, try traveling with one! Actually Eddie was quite a good little traveler, it was just a logistical challenge. In this post I'll describe the trials and tribulations of travelling with a 6-week-old baby, and I'll save the details of our actual vacation for the next post.

We flew Southwest as usual. I used the SuperShuttle van service, which I highly recommend, to get to the airport, as I did not feel like driving to the airport at 4am then paying to park for 6 days. The driver and I had some difficulty installing Eddie's car seat but we eventually figured it out. I used the curbside check-in service and checked Eddie's car seat and Snugrider. I carried Eddie in his Moby Wrap, put the diaper backpack on my back and rolled a small suitcase full of everything that wouldn't fit in the backpack. After showing Eddie's birth certificate and obtaining his Boarding Verification Document and my boarding pass, we were ready to embark on this journey.

Of course we had to go through security before getting to the terminal, and I foolishly chose to take Eddie to the restroom and change his diaper first. By the time we left the restroom the line at the security checkpoint was a mile long! But the people around us were really nice, and one gentleman lifted that dastardly suitcase onto the conveyor belt for me. That left me free to fish out my ID and boarding pass, which I'd forgotten about since I was so consumed with getting my expressed breast milk and quart-size bag of liquids and gels past the TSA staff. And wouldn't you know it, they barely gave either item a glance! I was half-expecting them to test my diaper ointment and hand sanitizer for explosives and possibly put me through a cavity search. Not that I'm complaining. One funny thing - the TSA lady didn't notice Eddie's documentation, just my name on the boarding pass, so she asked "Is his name Chloe too?"

We got to the terminal in plenty of time for me to feed Eddie and myself before boarding the plane. A flight attendant immediately offered to help put my suitcase in the overhead, for which I'll be eternally grateful. I managed to snag a window seat next to an empty middle seat so I could lift my armrest and create some extra hip room. The gentleman on the aisle was polite but quiet, trying to get work done on the plane, so after a while I felt extra brave (not to mention engorged) and decided to try pumping some milk with my wonderful new Medela Swing. I got set up quite discreetly and hit the power button, only to discover the batteries had died. Doh! I'd only used this pump once before so I'm assuming the power button went on & off when it was jostling around in the diaper bag.

We had to change planes in Philadelphia, and we had about an hour layover between flights. I figured this would be plenty of time to find a ladies' room, change Eddie's diaper, and either breastfeed him or buy some batteries for the pump... Wrong! Due to ongoing construction at Philadelphia Airport we had to go through an unsecured area to get from Terminal D to Terminal E, which meant we had to go through security AGAIN. This sucked! I was already feeling stressed from going through security in Nashville, plus my boobs were really starting to hurt and I had to pee and I wanted to change Eddie's diaper before we got on our next plane. And of course the TSA guy made me feel like some kind of cretin because I couldn't put away my ID and boarding pass and bag of liquids & gels AND take off my shoes in one fell swoop. Sorry buddy, I grew a child inside my body, not an extra pair of hands outside it! I was so flustered by the time I got past the metal detector that I left my suitcase on the conveyor belt! Luckily a nice gentleman behind me in line managed to catch up to me with the suitcase very quickly. I met a few angels on this trip...

Once I had my shoes back on I checked the time, realizing that we had 25 minutes before our flight took off. Yikes! Thanks a lot, City of Brotherly Love, for sucking away 35 minutes of our lives that we'll never get back. I got to the ladies' room, managed to pee and attempted to breastfeed Eddie while sitting on the toilet, which lasted about 5 seconds because neither one of us could get comfortable. (Yes, I know there are bathrooms on airplanes, but they are not designed for people with substantial asses. Neither are the aisles for that matter.) Checked the time again and realized I wouldn't have time to change Eddie's diaper. That didn't exactly me feel like mother of the year! I did have a bottle for him however, so he wasn't going to go hungry, and I had just enough time to stop at the sundries shop for AA batteries before getting in line.

We boarded the flight without incident and a nice man put my suitcase in the overhead for me. Shortly before takeoff a flight attendant informed me that I couldn't have Eddie in his carrier during takeoff and landing "for security reasons." Apparently somebody at Southwest, or perhaps at TSA or FAA, feels that parents should have both hands on their baby during takeoff and landing. That would make it awfully hard to put on our oxygen masks should a need arise, but whatever, I'm no aviation safety expert. We took off and landed without incident, and I managed to pump a little milk so my breasts weren't aching quite so much. And once again Eddie slept through most of the flight, so nobody gave me any crap about him. In fact he received several compliments, both for his behavior and his cuteness.

Rich's stepfather met us at Manchester Airport. Our Snugrider came through the baggage claim right away, and we grabbed the car seat next to it, only to realize it wasn't my car seat. Oops! So we put it back on the belt and I described Eddie's car seat to How, so he could watch for it while I changed the diaper. I expected third-degree diaper rash burns by this time but Ed was fine. He did celebrate this temporary "freedom" by peeing all over the place, so I had to change his clothes too. This made the quick diaper change take about 20 minutes and I kept apologizing to the moms in line behind me who wanted to use the diaper changing station, but they were all really nice about it. They were veteran moms who understood. By the time I got out of there How had located Eddie's car seat and we were ready to roll. I'll blog further about the visit in my next post.

*************************************************************************************

Cut to 6 days later. My brother Randy drove us to Manchester Airport, which is about 10 minutes from his house. This time I decided to check my suitcase, and I was all set to pay the $25 extra baggage fee, but they counted the car seat and stroller frame as one item so I didn't have to pay the fee. That made me very happy! Also I left my winter coat behind, since I've never worn it in Tennessee and the next time I wear it will probably be next winter so he can meet me at the airport with it. That made one less cumbersome thing to drag around. A very nice woman helped me get Eddie out of his snowsuit while we were waiting in line, that made things much easier. And this time I was smart enough to change Eddie after going through security. Good thing, because he chose this moment to kick off the Peepee Teepee and peed all over himself, so I had to change his clothes too. Fun fun...

Once he was changed we had very little waiting time before our flight was called. A couple of flight attendants came by to coo over him, which was very nice. This kid's fan club grows every time we leave the house! We didn't have to change planes this time but we did stop in Baltimore before continuing to Nashville, and that gave me an opportunity to change his diaper again without risking him peeing on anybody - how mortifying would that be? Eddie slept for most of the trip but unexpectedly woke up and got fussy shortly before we landed in Nashville. Fortunately I had a bottle and a pacifier at the ready.

When we got off the plane the flight crew had our stroller and car seat waiting for us, which was wonderful! And a nice flight attendant unfolded the stroller for me without my having to ask - also a great customer service move. Rich met me at the baggage claim, we collected my suitcase and got Eddie back to the car without any issues. Once again, as much as I miss New England, when I travel without Rich I miss him more. And Eddie was very happy to see his Daddy!

In summary, these are Chloe's Travel Tips for Flying Alone With a Baby:

Get through security first, then check the baby's diaper!
Use a front carrier to get your baby around. This is a must! It frees up your hands to fish for your ID, boarding pass, cash, etc. Of course you'll need to take the baby out during takeoff and landing but it's fine for the rest of the flight, and for getting around the airport.
Wear slip-on shoes. Check your sneaks or snow boots or whatever else. It's worth the time and effort you save by not having to tie your shoes while juggling an infant and whatever else you're carrying.
If you're breastfeeding, bring a manual or battery-operated breast pump and pack it in the diaper bag. This is less about feeding the baby than about your physical comfort. Going 5-6 hours without nursing or pumping is gonna hurt! If you use the battery-operated kind, leave the battery compartment empty until it's time to pump. And pack extra batteries!
If your baby likes pacifiers, put one on a string with a clip and clip it to your shirt or your front carrier. You don't want your baby wailing because he or she spat out a $3 piece of silicone and wants it back!
Speaking of pacifiers, you definitely want your baby to suck on something during takeoff and landing to equalize the pressure in his or her ears. A pacifier or bottle is great for that. If you breastfeed and are comfortable doing so on the plane, I've heard that also works well and will comfort your baby. In a pinch, have the baby suck on your finger.
Just because you can bring one carry-on and one personal bag onto the plane doesn't mean you should. Put everything you need into a generously-sized diaper bag and check the rest.
Don't let the 3-1-1 rule freak you out. Obey it, of course, but in all likelihood they're not going to check your bag of toiletries for traces of explosives. At least they didn't with me. They just had me put the baggie in the plastic bin with my cell phone and shoes, and barely glanced at it. Same thing with the breast milk I brought along. Get your ID and boarding pass out first, worry about the other crap later. And speaking of liquids and gels:
You don't need to put things like travel-size shampoo in your carry-on because you will not need them on the plane! If they lose your checked luggage you can buy shampoo when you land. If you're stuck in the airport for 3 days and have to wash your hair in the bathroom sink, you won't care what brand you're using. Use the 3-1-1 rule for things like diaper ointment and hand sanitizer, maybe some Mylicon drops for gas or saline drops for stuffy noses. You won't need any other liquids or gels during your flight.
Pack enough diapers for 2-3 days of being stuck in the airport in an emergency. If you're stranded longer than that I'm sure the airline or TSA or the Red Cross will hook you up. Unless you're traveling to a third-world country, chances are there's a supermarket or Walmart or someplace else to buy diapers when you reach your destination. And in all likelihood you'll run out at some point on your trip anyway.
Pack a baby nail clipper in your checked luggage or plan to buy one during your visit. It's amazing how much their nails grow in just a couple of days!
Lastly, remember that there are nice people out there. Flight attendants, fellow passengers, and most TSA employees are human beings too. A lot of them are parents and know how it is, and the ones who don't have kids generally have at least one child in their life who they love. They get it.

If Not Now, When?

2008-02-17T05:52:00.006-05:00

Questions:

How old does a child have to be before he or she is "old enough" to go out in public?
How do you feel about babies and children who cry or throw tantrums in public?
How do you feel about their parents?

Rich and Eddie and I went out to dinner Friday night. It was the first night out for us since Eddie was born 5 weeks ago. We had a lovely dinner at Applebee's and Eddie slept through most of it, then got fussy toward the end of the meal. (NOTE: Eddie is not a particularly fussy baby, he just cries when he's hungry or uncomfortable or just wants to be held.) I figured his diaper was messy (I was right) and took him to the restroom. This took about 20-30 minutes, due to his fondness for pooping again during the changing process and for peeing all over his clothes. When I brought him back to the table in his fresh diaper and clean new outfit, I discovered that Rich had paid the bill despite my insistence that dinner was my treat. It turns out Rich was very upset about Eddie having cried in public and just wanted to get out of there ASAP. But I didn't know that yet...

Then we went to Target because we were almost out of diaper rash cream and I wanted to get a few other things. We were already in a hostile mood because 1.) I had screwed up backing out of our parking spot at Applebee's, and when Rich called me on it I got upset and insisted that he take over the driving, and 2.) I noticed that Rich had not buckled Eddie into his car seat properly, which left his upper body vulnerable in the event of an accident. When we got out of the car Eddie started crying again, partly because Mommy and Daddy were arguing and also because it had gotten colder and it took me a few minutes to get his car seat attached to our wonderful new SnugRider stroller frame. Rich managed to calm him down, only for him to start up again once we got inside the store. So Rich took Eddie out of his car seat/stroller to comfort him, which would have been fine if it hadn't left me to push a shopping cart AND a stroller! And of course Rich wouldn't give Eddie back to me to put in our new Moby Wrap, which might have calmed Eddie down. So we argued about it for the next 10 minutes (I cut my shopping time way short!) and Rich didn't say a word to me the whole ride home. That's not like us. We rarely argue and never give each other the silent treatment! So this made for quite an unpleasant end to what should have been a fun, romantic evening.

When we got home I asked him why he was so mad. It turns out that he was very upset about Eddie having cried in public! He feels that it's inexcusably rude to subject other shoppers and diners to one's child's fussy behavior. I agree that it's annoying when you're trying to shop or enjoy a nice dinner and the kid at the next table starts crying. But Eddie wasn't crying loudly, mostly because we attended to him before he got too upset. He was harder to calm down at Target, probably because of the bright lights or his parents' arguing or both. And in both situations we obviously did our best to calm Eddie down and address what was bothering him. That, IMHO, makes us very different from parents who ignore their children's public crying episodes or temper tantrums or misbehavior.

Those brief episodes at Applebee's and Target convinced Rich that Eddie was too young to be out in public with us. Rich suggested we not take him to a restaurant or store again until he's old enough to tell us what's bothering him when he gets upset. I countered that he won't be able to do so effectively until he hits the Terrible Two's, when he'll be ripe for public temper tantrums. And tantrums will continue in one way or another throughout childhood and adolescence. We cannot keep our kid inside until he's 18, tempting though it may be. Sure, I'd love to make it so that other members of the general public never hear my child cry or yell. But it's going to happen from time to time. It's simply our choice to either handle it like responsible people or bury our heads in the sand. I'm opting for the former and so is Rich.

Anyway, what do you think? Is 5 weeks too young for a trip to Target and a casual dining meal at 5pm? If so, how old should he be before we take him out again? How old were your kids when you took them out in public for the first time, and how did they behave?

Can't say he doesn't try...

2008-01-30T04:52:00.001-05:00

CHLOE: Hey babe, can you get me a fresh sleep-n-play out of the clean laundry basket? Eddie wet this one.

RICH: What's a sleep-n-play?

CHLOE: It's a one-piece full-body garment, like little pajamas.

(RICH reaches into laundry basket, holds up an article of clothing and looks at CHLOE for confirmation.)

CHLOE: No honey, those are my panties.

(RICH puts down the panties, shakes his head and leaves the room.)

We have a baby!!!!!

2008-01-13T17:56:00.001-05:00

Yes, the bun is officially out of the oven! Edward Lowe "Eddie" Hincman was born this past Wednesday, January 9 at 3:44 pm CST. He weighed 7lbs 8oz at birth and measures 21¼ inches long. And there is no scale that quantifies how scrumptiously cute he is! We've taken tons of pictures and some videos. Here are a few favorite images from our hospital stay:

Me & Rich in my hospital room the night before Eddie's arrival

Grandma fixing Mom's hair, which of course got messed up again anyway...

Eddie in his bassinet shortly after birth

One very sore, exhausted, happy and proud mother

The proud papa with his little man (yeah I took this one, that's why it's fuzzy)

Another view of Eddie in his bassinet. Check out those beautiful eyes!

I'll add videos in another post once I figure out how, and of course more pics from his first few days at home.

Anyway, Eddie is an absolute joy! He's adorable to look at but even more fun to know. He has the most delicious baby smell. I just love kissing his face and head and taking in that yummy new baby scent. Granted he has been farting a lot, probably from taking in too much air with the first few nursing attempts, but the farts don't smell that bad and it's so funny when he does it that we don't mind, we just laugh. (And the feedings are going better now that my milk has come in.) He has the cutest baby cry I've ever heard, kinda sounds like a motor revving up or a horse neighing but cuter. Not that he cries a lot, just when he's hungry or wet or needs something. And when he stops crying, lets out a little sigh and rests his head on my chest... there are no words.

An Eventful Week in an Eventful Year

2007-12-05T17:06:00.000-05:00

Got my driver's license a week ago. Finally! It took me till I was 29 years old and almost 9 months pregnant with my first child, but I got it. I am officially a licensed driver. Yup. Me.

My test was scheduled for 11:30 am last Wednesday, and it was nice & sunny out. That was important because if there's even a cloud in the sky they call it "inclement weather" and cancel or postpone all road tests. On the way to the DMV Johnny, my driving instructor, gave me some helpful pointers about changing lanes. In the past I've gotten nervous about it, spent way too long checking my blind spot and ended up doing this herky-jerky motion to get into the other lane. He had me practice a few times till I could do it smoothly. We got to the DMV and my examiner was a very nice lady. She had me back out of my parking space and head toward the road, then asked if I was pregnant. Awesome! No strangers have asked me that my entire pregnancy and I'd been feeling like I just looked fatter than usual rather than glowing and with child. That alone made my day. So she had me drive around a few side streets, where I carefully obeyed the traffic laws and maintained an appropriate speed. Then I pulled onto a main road where she had me change lanes a couple of times, so Johnny's lane-changing tutorial turned out to be well-timed. Then she directed me back to the DMV, had me pull into a parking space, and told me I'd passed. WOO HOO!!!!! I couldn't believe how easy it was. I knew they didn't test on parallel parking in Tennessee but I expected to have to back up 50 feet, do a 3-point turn, park on a hill, etc. Either I got the pregnant lady handicap or it's this easy for everyone. Regardless, I earned my little piece of plastic and am allowed to drive all by myself. I'm a big girl now, huh?

Then on Sunday I got.... A BRAND NEW CAR!!!!!!! (I've always wanted to say that, in the voice of the announcer guy on The Price Is Right. Cue me running down the aisle in a bright colored T-shirt with my big ol' pregnant boobs bouncing all over the place.)

Rich & I visited a couple of local dealerships on Saturday. I'd been envisioning a clunky 10-year-old used car that somebody's grandma drove to and from the supermarket and church. But Rich felt that a new car would be better and safer for me & the baby. We didn't find anything we really wanted on Saturday, so we tried another dealership on Sunday, specifically Crown Ford on Thompson Lane in Nashville. We told each other we weren't necessarily going to buy, we just wanted to see what was out there.

And what was out there? A 2007 Ford Focus sedan. Maroon with gray interior. Automatic transmission, 4-cylinder engine (27 mpg city/34 mpg highway) and a surprisingly roomy interior, thanks to the cab-forward design. 5 years' roadside assistance. Air conditioning (which Rich's truck lacks), CD player, 4 cup holders, and most importantly a LATCH system to help secure the baby's car seat. Plus they threw in a free tank of gas and my first oil change will be free. Because Rich owns a Ford truck that had 10 payments left on it, they agreed to apply the $3000 rebate to his truck loan, so now we have one monthly car payment and his truck is paid off! The car payment is slightly higher than his truck payment was, but we can still swing it. And it cost surprisingly little to add me to his auto insurance policy. While I would have been satisfied with an older used car, it's nice to drive around not worrying that I'll blow a gasket or need to replace the alternator, whatever those terms mean. I'll post pictures of the car as soon as I have a chance. Of course I had to drive the new car home all by myself, following Rich in his truck. A nerve-wracking experience, but we both got home in one piece with no damage to the car. Yay!

So in the space of one year I've done the following, in this order:

Moved from Massachusetts to Tennessee with my boyfriend
Found my first gray hair
Graduated from massage school
Adopted a cat
Got pregnant
Got engaged
Obtained my driver's license
And got my first car - a brand new one at that!

2007's been one hell of a year.

The Journey Home... and Back... and Other Stories

2007-10-15T01:23:00.000-04:00

That's what I'll be calling my anthology if I ever get around to amassing one.

I flew home the last weekend of September. Specifically I flew Southwest from Nashville to Manchester NH with a changeover in Baltimore. I'd been scheduled for an earlier flight that was overbooked, and they were taking volunteers to be bumped in exchange for a voucher for the price of that day's flight plus $100. Can you blame me if I took it? The change in itinerary was relatively painless, as it only made me about 20 minutes later than planned. The only problem was squeezing my big ass into my seat. They do not design airplane seats for pregnant women, especially the ones who were large to begin with!

But I survived and got to Manchester in one piece. Randy & Alayna kindly picked me up at the airport and put me up for the night. Of course I'd barely managed any sleep the night before and was pooped from the flight, but the fresh air perked me up from comatose to loopy. (Sorry if I said anything weirder than usual guys!) We hung out at their place for a few hours and I got to play with their dogs, Maggie and Sam, and their doggie cousin Isobelle. Their cat Buffy said hello to me too. Later that night we returned Izzy to her parents' house in Malden, and I got to see Paige and Sylvie, which was wonderful. Sylvie had her heart surgery a few days before but you'd never know it! After hanging out for a while and picking Paige's brain about mommy stuff, we went to Bertucci's for dinner. There's a dearth of decent Italian food in Nashville and I needed some chicken marsala like nobody's business!

The next day Randy & Alayna drove me down to Lynn for the baby shower. Peggy, my future mother-in-law, did a wonderful job organizing the shower and making lots of good food for everybody. My mom secured the function room at the senior housing development she used to managed (she just retired) so we had a free place to host it. We had a real good turnout, about 30 friends and relatives, and it was so great to see everybody! Of course it was a little overwhelming to sit and open all those presents while everyone else watched. Normally I only open that many gifts at Christmas when everyone else is opening theirs too... but I got over it. We were given all kinds of things that we need and want for the baby. I probably won't need to buy him clothes till kindergarten! Later that night I got all teary-eyed talking to Rich, telling him how much everybody loves us and our baby. Words can't begin to express our gratitude for such an outpouring of kindness and generosity. Me at the shower with my pregnant belly:

And this is me with Peggy, my wonderful mother-in-law-elect:

I spent the next few days at my mom and Mary's. They've turned my old bedroom into a den with a twin sofabed, which was perfectly comfy to sleep on. We had some nice quiet times hanging out, and I got to visit my favorite local eateries, Brothers Deli and Gulu-Gulu Cafe. And I taught Mary a few things about baseball. Wednesday morning I had an appointment in Salem, then I had lunch at Beer Works and went for a walk downtown. I made the mistake of going into a posh baby & maternity boutique and bought a little white baby hat. It cost about 5-10 times what I would normally pay but it is so soft and fuzzy and warm, it'll be perfect for the winter. And the saleswoman told me it was handmade by a woman in Soho - at least I'm not paying through the nose for sweatshop labor! As long as Rich doesn't see the price tag we're good. I also bought Zorro a new collar at the local pet boutique (Salem is so gentrified these days). It's blue like his eyes, and has rhinestones and a little bell. It's beautiful and Zorro deserves it.

Thursday afternoon I met Peggy at the mall. We went crib shopping at Sears, Babies R Us, Baby Depot and WalMart, in that order, before deciding on the crib and changing table set we'd seen at Sears. We decided Peggy would order the set later, because we were both pooped and she still needed to bake a birthday cake for How, Rich's stepfather. Later that afternoon we visited with Rich's grandfather, which was fun. Gramp is a "tough guy" type with a big heart, and I just adore him. Then we had How's birthday dinner at home and watched the Red Sox win. Good times. A few days later Peggy went back to Sears to order the crib we liked, and it was discontinued! Oh well. I picked a different set from another store, hopefully that one will be in stock and arrive before the baby does.

Friday afternoon I stopped by my old office to say hello to my former boss. It was nice to see her, it had been a while. That night I went into Boston. First I went downtown to Borders to buy thank-you cards for all those shower gifts, then bummed around Faneuil Hall for a while before meeting up with my friends for dinner. It was Isabel, Melissa, Cheryl, Cymara & Dan and their little girl Clarissa. We went to G'vanni's in the North End. It's a little pricier than my usual dining haunts but how often am I in Boston? The food was excellent and we all had a great time hanging out. After dinner I insisted on stopping at Mike's Pastry for some cannoli and noted with interest that they ship nationwide. Mmmmmm....

Saturday afternoon we went to my mom and Mary's wedding. The wedding was small, about 15-20 people, and they held it in the same place as my baby shower. They had a justice of the peace who did a wonderful job. Randy and I each read a beautiful passage about marriage and love. Here they are exchanging vows:

See? Two women getting married. Did anybody's eyeballs burn out in their sockets? Nah...

It was a quiet, dignified ceremony followed by a fun and relaxed reception. Everyone had a good time. What I'd love to see is for the other 49 states to make same-sex marriage legal, but that's another topic for another post. Here's a shot of the happy couple and their guests:

Standing, Left to Right: Theron, Sylvie, Paige, Randy, Judy, Alayna, Karen, Bob, GayGay, Joanne, Fred, me, Lorna's partner (forgot her name!), Lorna, Rose, Frannie.
Seated: Mary and Susan (my mom)

After the wedding I went back to New Hampshire with Randy & Alayna. We had a quiet dinner and hung out with the doggies. The next morning they drove me back to Manchester for my return flight. This one stopped in Baltimore before continuing to Nashville so I didn't have to change planes, made my life easier. It was gray and drizzly when we left Manchester, and it was such a trip to break through that low layer of clouds up to blue skies and sunshine! When we got close to Nashville I was able to spot some now-familiar landmarks. I even recognized my subdivision - it's pretty close to the airport so we were flying low by then but it was still fun. The boy sitting next to me recognized the field where he played Little League. Cute!

Our flight got in about 20 minutes early - gotta love Southwest - and Rich was waiting for me by the baggage claim. I gave him a big hug and kiss, I'd missed him! Of course I miss Boston too but I guess home really is where the heart is, and my heart belongs to that truck driver of mine. The icing on the cake? Parking at Nashville Airport for 45 minutes cost him $1.50! Would have been at least $20 at Logan. Sometimes the cost-of-living difference really is worth it.

Bad Kitty!

2007-09-17T17:56:00.000-04:00

We've been having problems with our windows & screens since we moved in. The first problem was that there were no screens in all but one of our windows! After weeks of calls to the management company they sent out some stooge who made mesh screens out of cheap materials from Home Depot. The metal frames he used immediately buckled in the hot southern sun, leaving an inch or so crevice for the local bug population to use to crawl into our house. Not good!

So instead of calling the office to have them send the same jerk to do the same shitty job again, Rich ordered some mesh screen material and velcro strips from the Harriet Carter catalog and made our own screens. He installed them this past weekend and did a fine job. However, we didn't realize that Zorro is strong and clever enough to push against the screen and open the velcro. He did just that last night, shortly before dark, making it damn near impossible to look for him! I was devastated. Zorro is an indoor cat, always has been, and I was terrified that I would never see him again. He is a sweet, loving companion to me when Rich is on the road, and Rich loves him too, despite his general dislike of cats. My only comfort was that we never declawed him or put rubber tips on his claws, so I knew he could defend himself in a fight or climb a tree if necessary. But claws are no defense against cars, or rabies for that matter.

After an hour or two of searching the yard and adjacent wooded area with a flashlight, then coming back in to cry and think terrible thoughts, guess who comes home? My neighbor Paul was outside with his dog Keisha, and called out to me when Zorro came around the corner toward the house! I approached him slowly, calling his name. I picked him up, brought him into the house and read him the riot act. Bad boy! But I can't stay mad at the furry little bastard. So after a short, loud lecture that he paid no attention to, I put him on my lap in the recliner and we watched the Red Sox lose. That was disappointing, of course, but I'll take my cat's safety over a Sox victory any month of the year.

So how does the little brat repay me? By spending the whole day going to one door or the other and meowing at me to let him out! I don't think so...

Boobs

2007-09-06T21:48:00.001-04:00

As an expectant mother I've been reading and thinking a lot about breasts. Partly the physical changes that are happening to mine - what's with the areola freckles? are these sharp shooting pains really necessary? - but more importantly as a means of feeding my baby.

I've always assumed that I would breastfeed. For the vast majority of mothers and babies it is the ideal way. Mother's milk provides all manner of health benefits that no infant formula ever could. According to the mothers I've talked to it's one of the most rewarding, loving, nurturing acts a mother and baby can engage in. The American Academy of Pediatricians (AAP) recommends breastfeeding for the first 12 months of life, even after the introduction of solid foods at 4-6 months. Plus, formula is expensive! According to Baby 411 by Denise Fields and Ari Brown MD, one year's supply of the cheapest store-brand powder formula costs about $800, $500 for just the first six months! To me it just doesn't make sense to spend that kind of money on what is actually an inferior product.

Many mothers do make that choice, for various medical or lifestyle or logistical reasons, and I certainly don't judge them for it. How to feed one's baby is a personal family decision and nobody else's business. And my decision is to breastfeed exclusively and on demand for AT LEAST the first 12 months of my son's life.

I realize that breastfeeding is a learned art, and not all mothers and babies take to it naturally. So I'm doing all I can to research the topic in the hopes that education will help me to overcome or minimize any obstacles, and I'm feeling pretty optimistic. My doctor is supportive of my decision, and I have indicated in my birth plan not to give my baby any bottles or pacifiers, in order to establish a breastfeeding routine as early as possible. The hospital where I'll be delivering has lactation consultants, pump rentals, a low-cost breastfeeding support group and a 24-hour breastfeeding support hotline. And my mother, who breastfed my brother and me all those decades ago, will be staying with us for a few weeks after my son's birth. Her support and experience will be invaluable, I'm sure.

As a breastfeeding mother, I'm sure there will be times when I will need to nurse my son in public. For some reason this is controversial. Mainly because our culture views breasts as sexual objects, not as functioning mammary glands designed for feeding babies. Many states, including my adopted home state of Tennessee, have laws on the books stating that mothers have the right to breastfeed their babies at any location, public or private, where women and infants are otherwise allowed to be. Unfortunately, many business owners don't give a shit about the legal rights of breastfeeding mothers and their babies. If some prude or pervert complains, a manager or security guard will happily tell a woman to:

a.) cover the baby's head with a blanket

b.) go to the restroom

c.) breastfeed in the "privacy" and "comfort" of the mother's car

d.) go home

Here are my retorts, based on my own views and what I've read on the websites, blogs and newsgroups of experienced nursing mothers and self-described lactivists:

Blankets are hot and uncomfortable for both mother and baby. Babies often cry and throw the blanket off themselves, which makes breastfeeding more difficult and draws more attention to the situation. More importantly, they're a suffocation risk! Repeatedly breathing in one's own carbon dioxide in an enclosed space? Not healthy and not safe. If a nursing cover is invented that is roomy, breathable and comfortable for both mother and baby, I'll be the first to buy it. Until then, um, no.

Who the hell eats on the toilet? Not me! Restaurant bathrooms are often smelly and unclean. Food court bathrooms are worse. Now, if a hotel-style ladies room with comfortable seating is available, I'll take it. But most restrooms that are open to the public leave much to be desired in terms of hygiene and cleanliness. I'm hesitant to change a diaper in most of those places, let alone feed my child in one!

Every news article and informational pamphlet I've ever read about women's self-defense has strongly suggested that women NEVER sit alone in their parked cars. Doing so leaves women vulnerable to violent crime by assailants who either forcibly remove their victims from their cars (either through unlocked car doors or by smashing car windows) or wait in the shadows until the victim exits her vehicle. Having a defenseless baby in one's arms is no protection against a dangerous predator. And given the child-restraint laws enacted in all 50 states, a mother sitting in her car with a breastfeeding infant in her arms cannot quickly and safely flee the scene if she fears for her life.

Why should I have to leave your place of business in order to feed my baby? My money is as good as anyone else's. If another customer is positioned so that they can see a portion of one or more of my boobs - which has been happening to me since I was 12 and started wearing low-cut tops - and they find it offensive, they should either avert their eyes, walk away or ask to be seated at another table.

I have a right to breastfeed wherever I am, and my baby will have a right to be fed whenever he's hungry no matter where we are. The general public, however, does not have a right to never be offended! Heck, I'm a pretty open-minded person, and I get offended every day. I find it distasteful when people spit in public, or refuse to wear deodorant, or wear T-shirts emblazoned with vulgar or sexist slogans, or can't get out a sentence without dropping multiple F-bombs. (No I haven't given up cussing but there are times and places for it.) Do I go up to them and tell them what to do with their lives? No, I put on my big girl panties and either look away or walk away. People who think breastfeeding (in public or private) is somehow dirty or distasteful should grow up and do the same.

Also, breastfeeding rates are slowly climbing after 50+ years of bottle-feeding and formula as the norm. The last time the majority of American mothers breastfed their infants was in the 1950's. At that time mothers rarely worked outside the home, and families did not spend anywhere near as much time shopping and dining out as we do now. Would the retail and hospitality industries like to turn the clock back 50 years, to when the average family dined out at a restaurant once or twice a year rather than once or twice a week? What would happen to their bottom lines, and those of their publicly-traded parent companies?

I hope to God that I'm never confronted by any well-meaning idiots about this. I'm not interested in "causing trouble" or starting fights with strangers about this. Nevertheless I am not going to apologize for doing what's best for my son's health. Instead I will join my local chapter of La Leche League, attend breastfeeding support groups if necessary, continue educating myself and others about nursing mothers' rights, and feed my son wherever and whenever he asks to be fed. I will carry a copy of Tennessee's breastfeeding-in-public law with me in my diaper bag, in case I'm accosted by any uninformed restaurant managers, store personnel, or - even worse - law enforcement officials.

I will also be contacting my elected officials at the state and federal level, to ask them to enforce and strengthen current pro-breastfeeding statutes. They vary from state to state, and some states have no law on the books to protect breastfeeding mothers from being arrested for indecent exposure! The ones that do generally limit their protection to mothers whose infants are 12 years of age or younger, which leaves those who nurse their older toddlers vulnerable to harassment and arrest. Personally I'm not sure how long I'll be breastfeeding my son, but some mothers nurse up to 5 or 6 years of age, and they should have a right to do so in public or private. The AAP says that beyond the first year, breastfeeding should be continued "as long as mutually desired," therefore I see no reason why these laws are limited to mothers of infants.

Also, it's not clear from the legal information I've read online what the penalties are for individuals or businesses who disregard or try to interfere with breastfeeding mothers' rights. The civil and criminal penalties should be clearly established and enforced. Businesses might stop harassing nursing mothers if it will hit them in the pocketbook and embarass them in the press. This really isn't a political issue, as there are "lactivists" of liberal, conservative, moderate and libertarian persuasions. It's an issue of public health and civil liberties.

On a lighter note, I broke down and bought some "nursing clothing" from Motherwear.com that arrived today. Most women tell me that apparel designed specifically for nursing is expensive and unnecessary, but I made an exception for two reasons. First of all, I don't have any nursing bras yet - I've been advised not to buy them till shortly after the baby is born so I can judge how big my engorged breasts will be - but I decided I would like a couple of nursing tank tops to wear around the house, when I don't need hardcore support. And most nursing tanks are designed for women who are much thinner and less endowed than I am. However, Motherwear's sizes run up to 3X, far more democratic than retailers who think "extra-large" means "size 8." Also they have a section called "ValueLine" on their website that features lower-cost, more basic nursing tops and dresses. So I bought one nursing camisole with a built-in shelf bra and one basic tank top with cleverly concealed openings for the nips. I'm very excited about these purchases and will definitely be packing them for the hospital! Yay!

Random Prego Moments

2007-08-24T00:22:00.000-04:00

Burst into tears tonight while watching the Friends rerun where Monica & Chandler find out they won't be able to conceive a child together. Yes these are fictional characters and this show originally aired a few years ago. It still made me cry. And it reminded me of how lucky we are. So many couples can't conceive a child, or shouldn't have one due to medical reasons, and this one just dropped out of the clear blue sky! Well not literally, there was no stork involved. As Rich's mom Peggy said when we broke the news, "Well, I'm not going to ask how it happened..."
While trying to unwrap a baked potato delivered from Off-the-Grill tonight, I knocked over the remote and dropped the HOT baked potato on the floor at the same time! (Fortunately it was still 90% wrapped in foil.) Not that I've ever been very coordinated but this is klutzy even for me. I'm starting to identify with Tonks, the clumsy Auror from the Harry Potter books - except I'm not a Metamorphmagus with a werewolf husband. (Speaking of which, how sad is it that Tonks & Lupin had to die? Apparently JK Rowling had to kill them off in exchange for not killing Mr. Weasley. Tough choices.)

My feet are hot all the time! This happens to all pregnant women apparently but it doesn't help when the weather in your area is this hot. It's been over 100 degrees almost every day for about 3 weeks now! This is just ridiculous. I meant to buy myself a nice footbath unit with built-in massage for my birthday but couldn't find one at WalMart and ended up spending too much money on other things. So the other night I got so desperate for relief that I filled Rich's big mixing bowl with cold water, added one of his frozen water bottles for good measure, and dipped my feet in. It felt great! Now I need to wash it and do that again but I can never seem to fit the damn thing into the dishwasher, and my housekeeping motto has always been "Death Before Handwashing." Something's gotta give.

I finally broke down and bought Jenny McCarthy's book Baby Laughs. It's good - not Pulitzer material by a long shot but a quick & funny read. Of course I had to laugh when she complained of having to go from a size 4 or 6 to a size 12. (Oh you poor thing - try getting knocked up when you're already a size 18! She also mentioned that she gained about 50-60 pounds during her pregnancy, while I probably haven't gained more than 10 yet. I remember Kate Hudson gained about 70 pounds when she was pregnant, so I guess these skinny ass Hollywood chicks have to catch up to normal weight and then some! Pregnancy is probably the only time they're allowed to eat, poor girls.) Anyway, she had some humorous and humanizing thoughts on the various things that happen to our bodies during those nine precious months. Like pretty pink areolas turning brown. Constipation. Nasty farts of death. Having to pee every 5 minutes. Granny panties. And at least I don't have to go through this in the public eye. Having nothing stylish & flattering to wear is no big deal when you hardly leave the house. God forbid having to host an awards show in this condition! And have Howard Stern talk about your boobs the next day!

Bought a prenatal yoga DVD when I ordered Jenny's book. Now I forget how to work the DVD player! Rich will be home tomorrow, I'll have him give me another tutorial. (Am I turning into my mother already?) BTW today is Rich's birthday - he's 32! I've already bought him a few gifts and am insisting on taking him out for either lunch or dinner this weekend. He's going to try to pay and I won't let him.

I'm finishing up my 21st week. Not sure if a casual observer would notice but I definitely look pregnant to me! I've always had a belly, as I went straight from baby fat to adult fat with no hot bikini figure in between, but my belly has never started just under my boobs before. This is definitely pregnant form. Those of you in the Boston area will see me in late September - early October, and I should look even more pregnant by then.

The baby is kicking! Not hard, not like I thought it would be. More of a fluttering sensation that can easily be mistaken for gas. When the fart doesn't come I know it's the baby, not my intestines. Naturally he never kicks when I'm ready and waiting for it, he prefers to wait till I'm distracted, then it's like "wait, was that a kick?"

Got a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning. Nothing special like an ultrasound, just urine and blood test as far as I know. TennCare, the state Medicaid program, has this incentive program to keep pregnant women on schedule with their prenatal visits - for every 3 office visits you get a $10 WalMart gift card! Now I'm not the kind of mother who needs to be cajoled into making and keeping those appointments - on the contrary I had to wait much longer than I would have prefered thanks to TennCare's paperwork backlog - but I'm not going to say no to $10 free money. We're at WalMart almost every weekend so it will be put to good use.

Michael Vick deserves to be shot. Better yet, electrocuted and drowned. A few years of getting butt-raped on a regular basis would work too. Sick piece of shit.

Red Sox didn't play the White Sox tonight due to inclement weather. That means a double-header tomorrow! Can't wait to watch my guys win both games and leave the Yanks further in the dust.

Not sure if I mentioned this before, but Zorro is very interested in my belly. Every day he spends at least half an hour cuddled up to my midsection while I'm lying in bed or sitting on the recliner. Sometimes he "kneads" my belly flesh. Zorro generally prefers the company of males, especially Rich (aka Daddy), who says Zorro is doing this because he knows there's a penis in my belly. I'd like to think it's something about animals sensing subtle energy changes, but whatever works. I'm alone all week with the damn cat, so I'm grateful for all the affection I can get out of the little beast.

Going to bed, gotta be up in 9 hours to get to my appointment. Talk again soon!

Pregnancy Updates

2007-08-13T14:11:00.002-04:00

Yeah... for those of you who haven't been living under an unlisted rock - I'm PREGNANT!

We're having a boy and he's due New Year's Day. Right now I'm in my 20th week and the doctor says everything looks good. We had an ultrasound three weeks ago (duh that's how we know the gender!) and everyone has commented on the impressive size of his head. Let's hope I don't need a C-section! But if I do it's not the end of the world.

Back story... last April my period didn't show up, but I wasn't paying close attention to the calendar and chalked it up to stress and travel since we'd just taken a road trip. Then in early May I noticed that I had to pee all the time, and the clothes I'd bought the week before were too tight, and then I started feeling a little queasy every morning while simultaneously craving foods that were NOT on my diet... So I took a ClearBlue Easy test with a "digital readout" feature, meaning that the word "Pregnant" showed up in a little screen on the dipstick a minute after I'd peed on it. Once I got my knees to stop shaking I shared the information with Rich. We spent the next few hours talking and crying (well the crying was all me) and making up from all the arguments we'd had recently. Eventually we both went to sleep, and in the morning I told Rich I wanted to keep the baby. He said that was fine with him, and the rest is history.

The reason I'd been so upset about the pregnancy was that I did not have health insurance at the time. Plus we were both between jobs; I was temping off and on, and Rich was transitioning back to work after spending a few months day-trading. Not the best situation to bring a baby into... Then a coworker at my temp assignment told me about TennCare, the state Medicaid program, which just about always approves pregnant women. So I applied for TennCare, got an "official" pregnancy test from Planned Parenthood (positive, of course) as proof of my condition, and bided my time for a whole month (yes, a month!) before I was notified to come in and meet with a caseworker. The waiting around sucked of course, and the Department of Human Services place was, in a word, icky. The walls were painted a color I can only describe as "puke blue" and it was hot and crowded and not fun. But after a few hours of waiting (yes you read that correctly) I met with a caseworker who kindly approved me for TennCare coverage. Phew!

I found a very nice OBGYN named Dr. Hamilton, whose office is located at my neighborhood hospital. Due to the TennCare processing time - apparently they take a month to review every application - I was in my 15th week before I could get any prenatal care. But Dr. Hamilton's nurse, Tia, assured me that I hadn't missed much, and that I'd probably saved myself a blood test or two. During this visit Tia checked the baby's heart rate with a Doppler device, and it sounded good and strong! I got all teary-eyed over it... Tia also confirmed that, based on the heart rate, I had correctly ballparked the gestational age.

Two weeks later I had my ultrasound appointment. Rich took the day off from work for this, and we're both very glad he did! If you've never had a baby I can tell you, there's nothing like seeing your unborn child's image on the screen, seeing the heart pumping... it's just incredible. Even Rich, tough guy that he is, was touched. The ultrasound tech was quite a character, and his humor really put us at ease. When he located the baby's genitalia he kindly pointed out the penis and scrotum, and labeled it "Weenie." We have a 9-minute video of the ultrasound session, which yielded these still images:

Rich kindly added his own artistic touch to this image - I had no idea he was so talented!

So anyway Rich has a good job now, and I have health coverage, and we're both very happy and excited. Yes it's not necessarily the best timing but we've accepted that. Our baby will be born to adults who are in love and living together, and who already love the baby very much. We haven't set a date yet but yes, we are planning to get married. We haven't picked a name yet - we're calling him the Player To Be Named Later. And I will try to blog more often and keep you updated on all things baby!

arrrrrggggghhhh!!!!!

2007-03-25T23:48:00.000-04:00

It's 10:48 pm Central Daylight Time. Do you know where my sanity is?

Some of you know that the temp assignment I'd been working for the past couple of months ended recently. It had nothing to do with my performance, they'd been planning to transfer a worker from a different office to work my shift. In fact my boss and coworkers took me out for lunch on my last day to say goodbye and thank me for all my hard work, which was quite nice... but in any case I'm looking for work again. I have an interview on Tuesday and I've registered with a couple of local agencies, so all is well enough for now.

To that end, I accepted a one-day temp job in Nashville tomorrow (Monday). It's a very simple assignment, just collating and stuffing envelopes, so I decided to be a good doobie and take the job so the agency people know I'm a team player and will offer me more challenging (read: longer and better paying) assignments in the future. Problem is, the staffing associate who I talked to on Friday afternoon said she was going to email me directions to the job site. She didn't. Nor did she tell me the name of the company where I'll be working tomorrow. All she told me was which exit to take of of which interstate, and a vague description of the building's appearance.

"That's not so bad, Chloe!" I hear you say. "Why don't you take a trial run? A little recon trip to see if you can figure out where it is? That way you don't have to rush around trying to find it at the last minute."

Yes, dear reader, that makes perfect sense. So much sense that Rich & I took a drive to downtown Nashville this morning to try to find the place. So far we have it narrowed down to three possible locations within a half-mile of one another. With any luck someone will answer the phone at my agency before 9am tomorrow and help a woman out.

The good part about this assignment is that it's semi-casual dress. I'm not a fan of full business dress, as most of the business attire I own is a.) too small, b.) too tight, c.) polyester, or d.) all of the above. It's getting into the 80's here during the day so polyester makes me even sweatier than usual. Gotta love Sweaty Big Girl Disease.

(Seriously, I wore my usual interview outfit to an agency last week and got so sweaty the staffer I was talking to handed me a kleenex box because I was just dripping with sweat. Embarassing? Just a little!)

So I've got a cute warm-weather office outfit picked out: pale green flowy top with a little medallion design between the boobies, long olive green flowy skirt, and navy blue clogs. "Perfect," I tell myself, "now you just need a pair of bike shorts and you're good to go!" But I don't have any clean bike shorts! And in my case, Sweaty Big Girl Disease coincides with Giant Rubbing Thighs of Death. So I need bike shorts under this skirt, unless I want to wear pantyhose in 80-degree weather and exacerbate the sweat issues or walk around in a straddle position all day. Neither option really appeals to me.

So tonight when I took my shower I brought a pair of bike shorts in with me and washed them, so as not to use a whole washer load of water on one little garment. Took awhile to rinse the Dove Bodywash out of them, but they're clean. I dry off and take said shorts to the dryer, because the dryer can be set for short time periods and I don't feel as guilty about wasting energy. (BTW I'm not taking any chances on air-drying. Tonight's slight dampness may become tomorrow's mildew infestation. Ewwwww.) There I find that Rich did a load of laundry who-knows-how-many days ago and left it sitting in the dryer to wrinkle. Thank God it was mostly socks. So I have to find a basket, take his clothes out and put them somewhere. And I am in no mood for folding. Time to dry the shorts.

However, our dryer exhaust hose is hooked up to a little plastic unit that does jack shiznit to dissipate the heat and humidity from the exhaust. (We got this little plastic thing on the recommendation of our management company's redneck - I mean repairman - who didn't want to drill a hole in the wall to make the dryer exhaust go outside. So now when we do laundry we have to open at least one door and banish the cat to the spare room, because our storm doors don't have screens in them. Neither do most of our windows, despite my request to have them put in. But I digress.)

Rich had been experimenting with elongating the dryer hose and leading it out the back door, in an effort to get rid of all this excess heat and humidity whenever we dry our clothes, but his experiments didn't quite work. He'd left the hose unconnected last time he played around with it, so I tried reconnecting it but it popped right out as soon as I started the dryer. So I had to wake him from a sound sleep and make him reconnect the hose properly. Then he was snippy because I'd woken him up, and I was snippy because I'm a.) nervous about finding the place tomorrow, b.) anxious to make sure my shorts dry fully because mildewy shorts can't be good for the Giant Rubbing Thighs, c.) pissed at him for not reattaching the hose after his Mr. Fix-It games, and d.) PMS-ing like a mo' fo'. So we snapped at each other for a bit. Then he went back to bed. Arrrrggggghhhhhh.....

OK, now it's 11:34 pm, the shorts are dry, and the alarm will be going off in just under 7 hours. Wish me luck! And thanks for listening to my - dare I say it - venting. Hee hee.

More "Top Five" Lists

2007-02-21T02:57:00.000-05:00

Best things about living with Rich:
1.) Waking up with him every morning
2.) Making each other laugh
3.) He cooks for me
4.) He fixes stuff around the house
5.) He drives me to and from work

Worst things about living with Rich:
1.) No matter how long I cook meat or poultry it's never "done" enough
2.) Wet towels don't hang themselves up to dry
3.) He doesn't want me to get a cat
4.) He insists on buying the store brand of just about everything now that he actually has to shop for AND pay for groceries
5.) Waits till I'm on a diet to start baking cookies and brownies

Foods I could live on at this point in my life:
1.) Tri-O-Plex protein-enhanced cookies
2.) Pepperidge Farms 15-grain bread
3.) Salads
4.) Almonds
5.) Boar's Head deli meats and cheeses
6.) Olive oil (more a condiment/cooking aid than a food but still an essential)

Things I miss about Bonnie:
1.) The way she'd run across the room to greet me
2.) Her silky soft fur
3.) Her little pink nose
4.) Non-stop cat kisses
5.) Constant purring

Things I love about our apartment:
1.) No stairs!
2.) Oven heats up quickly
3.) Polarity reversed in our kitchen sink (the "cold" tap sprays hot water and vice versa)
4.) Furnished with Craig's List bargains
5.) We finally got the heat to work. Woo hoo!

That Which Does and Does Not Suck

2007-02-12T22:44:00.000-05:00

What sucks in my life right now:

- It took me 3 years to complete a 9-month massage therapy certification program due to my chronic procrastination and inability to get paperwork together
- I still don't have a driver's license
- Even though I live in the "Mid South" it still gets cold in the winter
- Most of my size 16 pants are too small for me now. This happens when you're 5'4" and top out at a couple o' bills
- I just got over a cold and generously gave it to my boyfriend
- My temp job calls for 12.5-hour shifts starting at 7am - on weekends! - and I am not exactly a morning person
- Bonnie, one of my cats from back home, recently had to be put to sleep.

What does not suck, to say the least:

- It may have taken me a while, but I finally graduated from massage school. Next stop: taking (and passing) the NCETMB, obtaining a Tennessee massage therapy license, and establishing my practice!
- I'm calling a driving school tomorrow, procrastination be damned! And I'm allowed to use my Massachusetts learner's permit in Tennessee, that'll mean one less DMV fee.
- It's nowhere near as cold, or snowy, in Middle Tennessee as it is in Eastern Massachusetts. Seriously, they freak out here over a dusting the way we hardy New Englanders freak about an imminent blizzard. It's actually quite amusing to watch the weather forecasts.
- Last week I began working out with Roger, my new personal trainer. It's hard work but totally worth it. I'd missed the old post-workout, walking-funny-for-three-days-cuz-my-thighs-are-friggin-killing-me sensation! With Roger's help and my own stubbornness - er, determination - I should be down to a size 12 by summertime. Developing some lung capacity and reducing my risk of various future health problems will be pretty sweet too.
- If Rich has the same cold as me, it's not great but we've both had worse. And it's nice to be sharing the same living space. Very nice.
- Yeah, the hours are weird at my job, but it's a full time paycheck squeezed into a 3 day workweek. That gives me Tuesday thru Friday to do whatever I want. Like take driving lessons, study for the exam, work out, and hang out with my "bah"
- Losing BonBon? A senseless tragedy. The shittiest thing that has happened in a long, long time. The silver lining is that she's no longer suffering, and I never had to watch her suffer. In my memories she will always be a healthy, happy, flirty little girl of a cat.

Overall, things are pretty good. I miss home a little, but it's fun and exciting to explore a new place. When the weather gets better we're going to visit the zoo, take a dinner cruise down the Cumberland River, and check out some of the nearby state parks and historic sites, of which there are many. In the meantime we're content to make the most of our Netflix membership and cable modem. And despite my legendary procrastination I promise to blog more. And upload some pictures once in a while.

Patriots-Titans New Years Eve Game

2007-01-01T17:17:00.000-05:00

In case the title didn't give it away, Rich & I went to see the New England Patriots play the Tennessee Titans yesterday at LP Field in Nashville. I will grade the various aspects of the day.

Game itself: B
The Patriots won 40-23, demolishing the Titans' chance of earning a spot in the playoffs. I haven't followed the Titans too closely this year but I understand they started the season 0-5 then came from behind to assemble an 8-7 record. Rich actually rooted for the Titans, despite his lifelong loyalty to the Pats, because he wanted them to make it to the postseason. I respect his decision but still rooted for the Pats myself, and there were actually plenty of Pats fans in the stands. The action itself was sloppy and slow, and in the end the Pats just played a better game.

Transportation: A
Instead of driving the 15 miles to downtown Nashville, Rich & I elected to ride the new Music City Star commuter train, which was running special game day service. The Hermitage train stop is about 3 miles from our house, and the Riverfront station in downtown Nashville is quite convenient to Broadway and LP Field. They charged $20 per round-trip ticket, which we both thought was kinda steep, but it's an easy ride and we didn't have to deal with parking, etc. If I get a job downtown I'll definitely use this service, because the normal business hour rates are much lower than the special event prices.

Facility & Seating: B+
I'm giving it a B+ only because I'm way out of shape and had to huff and puff my way up to the 300 level. They need some frickin elevators! Last time Rich & I were there was for FanFair 2005 (aka CMA Music Festival) and we had much better seats. This time we were 3 rows from the very top! We still had a fine view of the field and the action, I just wasn't thrilled with all the stairs. I'm not a fan of new years' resolutions but by next football season I'd better have my ass in shape!

Concessions: B
Prices were average for a facility of this kind. They were all rounded off to a dollar amount - none of that 99 cent bullshit - and included Tennessee sales tax, so we didn't have to figure out 9.25% of $19 worth of food and beverage. The selection of food and drink was decent. I even found a $7 Mike's Hard Lemonade during the 2nd quarter! No funnel cake to be found anywhere though, that made us sad. Maybe it's a seasonal delicacy?

Weather: C-
65 degrees Farenheit on December 31: Nice!
Getting rained on till your sweatshirt and jeans are friggin saturated: Not so nice.
Seeing a dude on the footbridge selling ponchos and deciding not to buy one: Dumb.
Having T-Rac the Titans mascot be driven around the field in a dinghy with oars pretending to through the rain: Awesome!
The sun coming out during the 3rd quarter: Priceless
Coming home to take a hot bath, change into warm pajamas and eat a bowl of soup: Priceless-er

Miscellaneous: A+
At one point during a break in the action in the 4th quarter I saw a bird fly through the uprights. That probably happens all the time but this was only my second-ever live NFL game attended, plus I was a teeny bit buzzed of my Mike's, so it cracked me up.

Another Frickin' Rite of Passage

2006-12-29T23:20:00.000-05:00

No, I'm not talking about moving in with my boyfriend 1100 miles from our hometowns. I'm talking about the two gray hairs I found this morning. Just as I was returning to my natural hair color. Damn it!

*sigh*

Song Parody, "The New Apartment"

2006-12-11T12:49:00.000-05:00

To the tune of "The Old Apartment" by Barenaked Ladies:

Welcome to the new apartment
This is where we’re gonna live
L-shaped duplex, gravel driveway, situated on a slope
This is where we’re gonna live

Why don’t they fix the walk?
Why won’t the back door lock?
Why don’t we turn the heat up? We’re freezing our asses off!

This is where we’re gonna live!

Need a stopper for the sink drain
Where are the missing door chains?
Looks like they used to be there, but now they are gone, I want ‘em back

Check it out, the new apartment
Newly-installed wall-to-wall
In a tasteful complimentary shade of taupe. Or is it beige?
This is where we’re gonna live

Why is the freezer warm?
Why won’t the heat come on?
It’s not a good sign when the first pee you take clogs the john!
This is where we’re gonna live?

Welcome to the new apartment
Seventeen steps down the slope
Freshly painted, freshly spackled, but they did not sand or prime
This is where we’re gonna live

Linen closet’s missing two shelves
Manager left us by ourselves
Said he’d be back in a few, but it’s been more than an hour!

I know these are things that can be fixed
Tomorrow we'll email the landlord
Big backyard, in a quiet neighborhood
We’ll be happy here

This is where we’re gonna live!

Welcome to the new apartment
Hospital’s just down the road
We’re a mile from Lebanon Pike and Old Hickory Boulevard
Let’s get a snack

Let’s get a snack
(There’s a Sonic down the road)

Let’s get a snack
(Give the heat a chance to work)

Let’s get a snack
(Get a burger and some fries)

Let’s get a snack!

The Apartment

2006-12-10T23:44:00.000-05:00

Hey y'all! Since I'm moving south in a couple of weeks I might as well start using the word y'all...

Rich & I took a road trip to Tennessee this past week to check out our new apartment and move in about half of our furniture and belongings. The apartment is located in Hermitage, just east of Nashville. It's a small town named for President Andrew Jackson's estate, so there's some history and culture mixed in with the cow pastures and big-box retailers. The trip took about 20 hours each way, including stops for fast food, fuel and the occasional nap. And I'm happy to report that our relationship is still intact.

The apartment itself is half of a duplex in a quiet residential neighborhood. It's a single-level with two off-street parking spaces and a deck overlooking huge backyard. There are a row of shrubs in front of the house that appear to be freshly planted. It's a two bedroom, because we can afford a two bedroom in the Nashville area, as opposed to Boston where we probably couldn't afford to share a frickin cardboard box. There were a few minor maintenance issues, which I will detail later, but they're all going to be addressed by the time we move in permanently after Christmas. Or so we hope...

We'll be about a mile from the intersection of Old Hickory Boulevard and Lebanon Pike, the two main drags through Hermitage. There are a couple of shopping centers nearby, a hospital/medical center, and we're within reasonable driving distance of Percy Priest Lake, Old Hickory Lake, the Stones River and the Cumberland River. The shopper and the water sign in me will be quite content.

Even with the "minor maintenance issues" we're very excited about the move. It's two major life changes in one - moving in together after 3-plus years of dating AND moving over 1100 miles from our hometowns. But if our relationship survived the trip to the apartment and back, I'm sure it'll outlive the lease. ;-)

My Civic Burden - I Mean, Duty! Duty!

2006-06-12T13:46:00.000-04:00

About two months ago I was summoned to report for jury duty on June 15 (this coming Thursday). Unlike most Americans who consider jury duty to be as much fun as cleaning up dog poop while having their wisdom teeth pulled, I've always looked forward to serving. I consider "trial by jury" to be, at least in theory, the fairest and most transparent form of dispensing justice. At least when compared to places where women who've had their clitorises removed are stoned to death by masked judges for allegedly making eye contact with a man who is not their husband.

However, I was randomly assigned to Newburyport Superior Court for my jury service. Newburyport is a lovely seaside town and I'd like to get to know it better, but it's 30 miles north of Lynn, and I don't have a car! There is a commuter rail station in downtown Newburyport but the earliest train from Boston to Newburyport runs express to Salem, bypassing Lynn. The next train would get me there at 9:09 am, which wouldn't work because I'm scheduled to report at 8:30. My choices are:

1.) Get the 5:55 or 6:10 bus to downtown Salem, grab a cup of coffee or something before catching the 6:54 train to Newburyport, arrive at 7:29 and commence the mile-plus trek to Superior Court

2.) Request a hardship transfer to another court closer to my home, of which there are two: Lynn (5 minute walk) and Salem (30 minutes by bus or 10 minutes by train)

I opted for #2. However, the Office of Jury Commissioner in Boston did not receive the postcard I mailed back in response to my Initial Notice. Or my response to the more strongly worded Second Notice. I don't understand how this is possible, but apparently the postal service is rigged to make me look like a bad citizen. Even though I pay my taxes, vote, recycle, etc.

So I've been assigned to Standby Status, which means I have to call Newburyport Superior Court after 3pm Wednesday to find out whether or not I actually have to show up. If they don't need me on Thursday, I'm set for the next three years. If they do, I'm destined for a highly inconvenient commute, which I can handle for the average 1-3 days of service time. If I'm selected for a trial that drags on for a few weeks I will not be a happy camper.

My only recourse is to call the jury service hotline at 1-800-THE-JURY and see if they can arrange a hardship transfer on allegedly short notice. My paperwork says to be patient because they receive up to 3000 calls per day. So I could understand waiting on hold for 30+ minutes for a representative to talk to me. What I can't understand is why I keep getting a goddamn BUSY SIGNAL!!!!

Screw it! I'm moving to Montana and building a shack already.

The String and the Spoon - courtesy of Derek

2006-06-01T08:52:00.000-04:00

THE STRING AND SPOON

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and
noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our
water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt
pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting
to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.It represents a
drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel
are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to
the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to
replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging
out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had
the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked
the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string
right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save
time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what,
we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our
hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well, " he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

It's A Boy! But We Kinda Expected That...

2006-05-29T03:04:00.000-04:00

Congratulations to my cousin Manda and her husband Travis! They welcomed their first child, Jack Robert, to the world at 5:45 am Saturday morning. Young Mr. Gentry weighs in at 6 lbs 6 oz and measures 19 inches in length. Here's a portrait of the new family, courtesy of Jack's Aunt Jessie:

Keep It In Your Mouth - Or At Least In the Dugout

2006-05-26T08:54:00.000-04:00

An open letter to all professional baseball players:

Please refrain from spitting during the singing/playing/recording of the national anthem! Or anthems, if you're at the Rogers Centre or the Toronto BlueJays are playing you at your home field.

If you can't chew gum or tobacco without spitting, keep it in your pocket until the pretty song is over. And sorry, I don't care how dry your mouth gets on the field. Swallow, damn it!

Phrase I Can't Get Enough Of

2006-05-26T05:41:00.000-04:00

"Due to time constraints, we move further ahead in the action. Enjoy the rest of the game."

Thank you, John Saunders of ESPN fame. Sometimes I wish I could replay a late-night condensed version of my life, skipping the more mundane parts and focusing on the important stuff, good and bad. Especially late at night when I can't sleep. That's when I keep ESPN on so I can pretend Rich is with me without having to deal with his snoring. Or his farting. Or his inability to keep his legs on his own side of the bed, so I end up curled in the fetal position near my pillows until I get annoyed off and kick him back over to his own side, often waking him in the process.

I do love my man. And I love my life. It's just frustratingly slow sometimes. Which is no one's fault but my own. Which is what makes it even more frustrating! Arrrrgh!

I'm hungry. Must eat some Cheerios.

But who the heck said I was Asian?

2006-04-27T05:30:00.000-04:00

Your Blogging Type is Unique and Avant Garde

You're a bit ... unusual. And so is your blog.
You're impulsive, and you'll often post the first thing that pops in your head.
Completely uncensored, you blog tends to shock... even though that's not your intent.
You tend to change your blog often, experimenting with new designs and content.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

F'd Up Sight of the Day

2006-04-27T05:20:00.000-04:00

Driving (well, riding in Rich's truck) up Route 128 (major state highway linked with I-95) during rush hour, we observed a driver reading a book. Specifically a paperback novel held between her hands, which appeared to be situated at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel.

Driver (noun): One who operates a motor vehicle
Rush hour (noun): Busy-ass time of day on roads or public transit
Book (noun): Something that should be read when one is not DRIVING!!!!!

WTF is wrong with people? I'm quite the bookworm myself. I read at home, at other people's homes, on the T, in cafes, in bookstores, in libraries, even in food courts full of screaming toddlers... but I don't read while I'm driving. Because I value my life and the lives of those around me.

6 Random Facts

2006-04-23T19:43:00.000-04:00

I've been tagged by my cousin Paige to list 6 random things about myself in my blog and then choose 6 more people to tag to do the same thing.

1.) I love olive oil but don't like olives

2.) During my junior year of high school I was an award-winning Academic Decathlete. Specifically I won a gold medal in fine arts, a bronze medal for an essay I wrote, and an honorable mention in social sciences.

3.) I was born with dark brown hair. It turned white-blond when I was a little girl, then gradually darkened to its current medium-darkish brown shade.

4.) I wear a lot of toe socks.

5.) I've met and shaken hands with Senators Kennedy, Kerry and Clinton (when she was First Lady).

6.) In third grade I took baton lessons, and I still remember two twirling tricks.

So, now that I have completed this post, I get to tag someone else. Here are the rules:
1--If you are tagged, you have to post six things about yourself on your site.
2--Then you should leave a comment on my site to let me know that you have posted.
3--You can then tag at least 6 more people. To tag, just leave them a comment to let them know they are IT!

Six people that I choose:

1.) Robyn
2.) Chuck
3.) Melissa
4.) Denise
5.) Cheryl
6.) Justin

Proof that I'm a Democrat

2006-04-05T17:32:00.000-04:00

On channel 5 tonight there was a headline: "Vandals Strike"

My first thought was, have they been destroying property without a contract and insufficient overtime pay?

Quadruple Jeopardy

2006-03-28T20:17:00.000-05:00

Rich & I signed up last week to take part in tonight's online Jeopardy! tryouts. Like a good doobie, I was signed on and ready 20 minutes ahead of time, getting more and more excited as the timeclock ticked down...

10 seconds before the start of the test, my computer shut itself off.

(insert expletives here)

My "Fat Pants" Are Too Tight!!!!!

2006-03-27T15:53:00.000-05:00

'nuff said

This is deep...

2006-03-24T18:25:00.000-05:00

What van Gogh painting most suits you?

Auvers Town Hall on 14 July 1890 (July 1890)

The scene is set for a celebration, but nobody has arrived.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Remind me...

2006-03-23T07:03:00.000-05:00

not to fall asleep with the TV on. Audio from late night infomercials somehow gets into my dreams, so I'm hurtling through outer space on a rescue mission and the space denizen I'm rescuing wants to tell me how to invest in real estate with no money down. Then a voice in my head starts extolling the virtues of some kind of super-polarized sunglasses.

Too f'd up for words.

My Man's Got Bad Pet Karma (Warning: possible TMI post)

2006-03-21T20:02:00.000-05:00

This happened a couple weeks ago while Rich & I were housesitting for my cousin Paige and her husband Theron in Malden. We like to help them with the house when they're out of town because their dog Isobelle, aka Izzy, is a sweet, outgoing, energetic beagle who's a lot of fun. Plus their cat Smudge is the prettiest, sweetest little kitty in the whole wide world. Awwww!!!

Anyway, Rich's sister Emily flew home from her spring break softball tournament in Florida, and we volunteered to pick her up from the airport that night, because we're good like that. (Coincidentally this was the same night Ayla Brown flew back to after being voted off from American Idol, and Rich later ran into the camera crew covering her arrival.) We decided to bring Izzy along in case of any flight or traffic delays, because she doesn't like being alone in the house for too long. When we got to TF Green I took Izzy for a quick walk, bagged her doggie poo, and put her back in the truck with Rich while I looked for a trash can to dispose of the bag. I got back to the truck to find Izzy settled on Rich's lap in the drivers seat, which was soooooo cute! Wish I'd had a camera...

So we're sitting there listening to the radio and petting the doggie when Rich feels something wet on his leg. Turns out Izzy had secreted some fluid from her anal glands, and Rich now had a nasty-smelling wet spot on his leg! The odor was really gross, worse than the smell Izzy had sustained in a recent encounter with a local skunk. (Two encounters in one week, actually. Some dogs just don't learn.)

Meanwhile, Rich was fretting the wet spot on his jeans, thinking it looked like he'd peed himself - not a good look in front of airport security. So with Izzy banished to the backseat and the windows down to get rid of the essence des glands anals, Rich turned on the heat, wriggled out of his jeans, and held them in front of the air vent to dry the spot. Within minutes the spot was dry, Rich put his pants back on and all was well. But you must realize this is the same strait-laced guy who freaked out once when I changed my clothes Catholic school-style in his truck, much later in the evening, in a much less busy area! I started laughing my ass off and asked him, "Before you met me, would you ever have had occasion to take your pants off in an airport parking lot?" He had to admit that he wouldn't have. This is the effect I have on normal people.

Later that night I woke to find Smudge, the aforementioned sweet kitty cat, had jumped up on the bed. She came up to me purring her little heart out, letting me pet her, and walking back and forth across the bed like cats often do. After a few minutes she started to make that signature noise cats make when they're about to barf up some undigested kibble... and barf she did, right on poor, unsuspecting, fast-asleep Rich! (Technically she did it on the blanket, not directly on Rich's body, but close enough.) Yikes!

Being my loving and altruistic self I gently removed Smudge from the bedroom, gathered up some Kleenex and cleaned up the mess. With three cats at home I'm pretty used to it. Unfortunately Rich woke up during the cleaning process and was about to roll over when I cautioned him not to move. And of course I had to tell him why he had to stay still.

Oh, and the next morning after we gave Izzy a bath to remove the anal gland smell and the leftover skunk smell, she threw up a mix of water and tomato juice onto the bathroom floor. Talk about the piece de resistance!

And yes, we'll be sitting for Izzy and Smudge again soon. Because this is how much we love them and their human family. Either that or we're suckers. Can't decide.

Concert Review

2006-02-03T16:06:00.000-05:00

My beloved and I recently attended a George Strait concert at the DCU Center in Worcester (formerly the Centrum). Opening acts were Miranda Lambert and Tracy Lawrence. I've graded various aspects of the performances, venue, commute, etc as such:

George Strait's Performance: A+
"King" George and his band Ace In the Hole played a great set. One neat-o thing about country music is that most of the musicians who make it big are genuinely talented people. Unlike many record company-manufactured pop acts who rely heavily on pitch control and other studio trickery, country stars usually sound just as great live as they do on the record. Favorites like "Amarillo By Morning" were as heartbreaking as they were pitch-perfect.

Tracy Lawrence's Performance: A
Unfortunately I was not in the audience for most of Tracy's set (see "Concession Stands" below). What I did hear sounded quite nice. Tracy is one of those country radio regulars whose voice and style you might not immediately realize is his, but we all sing and hum along to his stuff. He also sang a powerful tribute to our military servicemen and women without being sappy or hawkish, for which I give him mad props. (Do people say "mad props" anymore?)

Miranda Lambert's Performance: A+
We've been fans of Miranda's for quite some time now. She's an energetic performer with a voice that's both strong and melodic, serious guitar chops and a songwriting gift that belies her 22 years. She's also really gorgeous in a wholesome, unpretentious way. Miranda and her band got the ball rolling in electric (and acoustic) style. And Rich & I stood up, singing along with every word.

Backstage Meet-and-Greet: A-
As members of Ran Fans, the official Miranda Lambert fan club, we were invited to meet Miranda backstage after her set. Her security was a little tighter than at our previous meetings, but that's a reflection of her growing fame and success. We had a nice time chatting with fellow Ran Fans, some of whom we recognized from previous shows, while waiting in line backstage.

Miranda herself was very gracious, happy to pose for pictures and sign autographs. She signed two pictures Rich took of her at FanFair in Nashville last June, and our copy of Country Weekly with our pictures at her Ran Fans club party (I'm kneeling in the front row, Rich is in back holding her up with a bunch of other dudes). And yes, she's just as adorable up close as she is in print. Yet Rich still came home with me...

Driving To & From: B
Getting to the Worcester area was easy enough, but the on-ramp for our exit was backed up a few miles, mostly by drivers wearing cowboy hats. (Country music is more popular here than you'd think, and it'd been eight years since George Strait had performed in New England.)

After waiting in bumper-to-bumper for about 15 minutes we decided to skip ahead to the next exit, past Rotman's (Fan-tastic!) and made our way through a few one way streets to the DCU Center. We parked in the Worcester Common Outlets garage for $20 and crossed two streets, aided by traffic cops. I noted for future reference that the Worcester Commuter Rail is a short walk from the DCU Center.

Concession Stands: D-
As I previously mentioned, I missed most of Tracy Lawrence's set because I was standing in a looooonngg frickin' line to purchase two $3 bottles of water. (Rich and I were both parched after singing along to Miranda's songs.) Dunno what the people at the front of the line were buying, but two of them were at the counter for close to 20 minutes, apparently getting refreshments for their entire row or something. Jerks.

Once I got to the register the service was fast and friendly, but it pissed me off that I had to miss almost a full set waiting to buy overpriced Aquafina. Maybe it'd be more efficient if they had one line for beer and another for everything else? I also noted for future reference that while the beer selection was decent, they charge $5.75 per beer. Yikes! Next time I'm sticking a 40 oz in my vagina to smuggle it past security, damn it!
(Just kidding, that would probably hurt and the beer would get warm.)

Merchandise Table: B+
Variety was good for all three featured acts. We each spent $30 on a Miranda shirt, both of which I later found online for $20 each. Doh! But $30 isn't unreasonable, I've seen concert tees that cost well over $50. The service was friendly and, unlike the concession stands, we didn't have to wait long to make our purchases.

All in all, a good night. I give it an A for Excellent.

Ironical?

2006-02-03T15:55:00.000-05:00

Those of you who've visited my home and used my bathroom know that I have a little magnet on my towel bar that says "Toilet" on it, in the mode of the London "Tube" subway signs.

Yesterday I accidentally knocked the magnet off my towel bar. It fell into the toilet mid-flush.

R.I.P. dear magnet. And please don't clog my pipes.

More Thoughts on the Emergency Broadcast System

2006-01-19T00:46:00.000-05:00

Why do they test it at 12:45 am when I'm watching a commercial for Monster Ballads on Comedy Central? Why can't I listen to uninterrupted snippets of cheesy power ballads?

Disturbing Is . . .

2006-01-04T21:36:00.000-05:00

Walking in on your mother watching "101 Sexiest Bodies" on E! with the sound turned off.

Yikes!

Thought For the Day

2006-01-03T22:15:00.000-05:00

The mute button is your friend. Especially during untimely tests of the emergency broadcast system.

Chloe's Christmas (Xhloe's Xmas?)

2005-12-29T01:24:00.000-05:00

This year was probably the best Christmas in recent memory! Yay!!!

Rich & I got up early Sunday morning to unwrap presents with his family at 7 am. What can I say, they're early risers. His parents got me a cookie jar with cats all over it, a "wall vase" shaped like a giant teacup with fat cat butts on it, and some wooden cooking spoons to store in the vase. The cookie jar and wall vase should coordinate nicely with the set of cat pepper & salt shakers they got me last year. (Hmmm, am I sensing a hint or two?) They also got me a beautiful aquamarine butterfly necklace with matching earrings, a big ass can of peanuts for my upcoming post-Yuletide low carb regimen, and some socks in colors I like.

The presents Rich & I gave his family were well received. Among them: A framed photo of Tedy Bruschi jumping around in the snow from that famous playoff game that got us to Super Bowl XXXVIII for Rich's stepfather, and a Maxim calendar for his brother Mike. Between the calendar and the Hooters Hot Wings cooking set I got for Rich, I'm not sure I qualify as a feminist anymore. Doh!

Later in the morning we picked up my grandma, GayGay, from her nursing home and brought her to my place. GayGay is 89 and suffers from Alzheimer's, but thankfully she still recognizes her loved ones and was very happy to see us. My brother Randy (aka Aredubya, R-Dubs, Bertrand, Alayna's Beeyotch) and his wife Alayna (aka Layner, The Wife) drove down from Londonderry NH to share Christmas dinner with my mom (aka Maaaa) and Irene (aka Maaaa's fiancée). Irene is British and Maaaa is an Anglophile, both literally and figuratively, so we had a traditional roast beef dinner with Yorkshire pudding, parsnips, peas and two kinds of potatoes. We also pulled crackers, a British tradition, and donned the requisite paper hats before dinner. For dessert we had homemade trifle, which was delicious!

NOTE: WEIRD ANECDOTE AHEAD!
We assembled in the living room after dinner to begin the gift-giving festivities. I was a little chilly so I grabbed one of our fleece throws and covered my legs with it, only to see a pair of women's underwear fall out! Randy and Alayna burst out laughing, assuming they were my panties, which they were not. They didn't belong to Maaaa, GayGay or Alayna either. A minute later Irene came back from the bathroom. I asked "Are these yours?" to which she replied "Yes, those are my knickers, thanks!" This set off yet another round of hysterical laughter as I flung the panties at Irene. I'm going to assume they were laundered with the fleece blanket and leave it at that.

The gift-giving went well at my house too. Maaaa was very pleased with the Magic Bullet (tm) blender/juicer/food processor combo Rich purchased after a long night of infomercials. We also got her a pet stroller so she can easily transport the cats to the vet when needed. Irene was thrilled with the shirts I got her from Old Navy and the Black Magic chocolates we purchased from a British food store. Randy and Alayna were very pleased with their new chocolate fountain, with which I expect them to entertain me imminently! GayGay got some new clothes, plenty of socks, and a chenille throw for her bed, all of which she will enjoy. And Rich got some nice new clothes and underwear as well as a set of Truck Nutz to hang from his rear bumper. Yee haw!

Hope all of you had a Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, or whatever brand of spiritual renewal you dig. Enjoy!

And if I get lazy and don't post again for a while, Happy New Year!

Happy Holidays vs Merry Christmas

2005-12-15T23:46:00.000-05:00

First of all, these reactionary neoconservative (so-called) Christians who are all pissed at hearing "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" are a bunch of morons. I don't pretend to be God or Jesus, but I believe the time and energy of Christians would be better spent performing good works in the true spirit of God's love, like squeezing in a volunteer shift at the local homeless shelter between punching matches over who gets the last XBox 360.

The other night I spent about half an hour on the phone with a very nice, very helpful tech support person who concluded our call by wishing me a Merry Christmas, and I wished her one as well. I happen to celebrate Christmas, but how did she know that? She did know my mom's last name, as the account is in her name, but my mom could have remarried or kept her maiden name. How does tech support lady know I'm not, like, Chloe Horowitz or something equally "Jew-y," as Jon Stewart would say?

Or I could be a Jehovah's Witness. There's an active and growing Jehovah's Witnesses population in Lynn, and the Witnesses I've met have all been very nice people. Last year I innocently asked a coworker of mine if he'd had a nice Christmas, and he told me he didn't celebrate it. But he didn't get all offended or anything. He just said I was welcome to get him a present anyway. Good kid.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not upset about being wished a Merry Christmas. Even if I didn't celebrate this particular holiday, I can always use a little merriment. Especially at this time of year when the days are short, the resume is getting no responses, and I spend my days watching crap TV and consuming as much whole grain as possible just to see how many bowel movements I can make in one day. (For the record, I'm up to five!)

But these dickless pieces of shit like Bill O'Reilly who are calling for boycotts of any retailer whose employees wish customers a Happy Holiday instead of a Merry Christmas are not being politically courageous. They are STUPID! I can think of many reasons to boycott WalMart, but being wished a Happy Holiday instead of a Merry Christmas isn't one of them.

Once we get past the crass commercialism of the season, Christmas is supposed to be about Peace On Earth and Goodwill Toward Men. And Goodwill toward Women. Unless we're trying to fill a prescription for emergency contraception at their local WalMart. Then we're sinful, uppity, man-hating, baby-murdering Jezebels. Right, Pat Robertson?

I kinda dig Chloe Horowitz. Maybe I'll just take that name when I get married instead of taking Rich's name. Mazel tov.

Random Conversation of the Day

2005-12-15T23:44:00.000-05:00

So I'm standing in one of two lines around 9:30 last night at Shaw's, waiting to purchase my grocery items. I'd gone to the store seeking a junk food fix and ended up getting some fruit and whole grains as well. Go figure.

Out of nowhere I hear the Lynn Police detail officer talking to someone about Patty Hearst, the newspaper heiress-turned-convicted bank robber. He was trying to remember the name of the group that had kidnapped her in the 70's. Ever the know-it-all, I called over to him, "Symbionese Liberation Army." He thanked me for providing the answer and we both went back to minding our own business.

A few minutes later, grocery bags in hand, I headed for the exit. The nice policeman caught up with me and asked "How did you know about Patty Hearst? That was a little before your time." I replied that I had read about the case, and asked the nice policeman whether he believed Hearst was a brainwashed victim or a willing participant in the hold-ups that led to her arrest and conviction on armed robbery charges. He thought she was just a wild rich kid having a good time with her machine gun. This led to a brief but interesting chat about countercultural values, and how the seventies were a reaction to the sixties.

We said goodnight, and I walked home to eat two english muffins covered with melted cheese and half a bag of brownie bites. Those things are yummy!

Weird Dream

2005-12-08T17:07:00.000-05:00

This week I've been filling in serving breakfasts at one of the elder housing properties managed by my mom (aka Maaaaaa) because the girl who usually does breakfast is out with strep throat. Poor girl! I sincerely hope she gets better, and not just because it means I have to work early in the morning.

Anyway, I was exhausted this morning. One woman asked for cinnamon raisin toast and I accidentally gave her cinnamon toast crunch! When my shift ended at 9:30 am I headed straight home and went to sleep. Didn't even stay up for the 10am Daily Show rebroadcast...

Next thing I know, I'm transplanted to a teen melodrama series, a la Degrassi: Next. Except we weren't in Toronto, we were in Danvers or Beverly or somewhere on the North Shore, but different than in real life. You know how dreams are...

So in my dream, I was one of several high school students in a regular middle-class American (or perhaps Canadian) town. Suddenly my town became an Islamic extremist theocracy, and I was Jewish. I'm not actually Jewish, but in my dream I had just converted and was learning to cook kosher meals when the town was taken over by the Muslim equivalent of the Third Reich. Jews like me were subject to a strict curfew, were not allowed to drive or ride bikes, and our homes and business were broken into by Gestapo-like forces. We could attend the same schools as Muslim students but were taught in separate classrooms. Violence regularly broke out between Muslim and Jewish students, many of whom were previously good friends. Families were torn apart. It was awful.

Then somehow toward the end of my dream a Gandhi-esque gentleman came along and got us to reconcile. I'm not sure how that happened either, but you know how dreams are. Then we were back in time during the Nixon administration, although Nixon looked a little different than he did in real life - once again, you know how dreams are. President Nixon himself caught the Gandhi-esque character in bed with a young woman who had blown him off for a date, and he became furious and killed the guy. I witnessed the crime but was powerless to bring the President to justice without putting myself in danger.

Then the dream turned into having to run to CVS or a similar store in the middle of a college basketball game - I think it was BC vs UGA - and not being able to find the item I was looking for while missing a game I really wanted to see, which was deeply frustrating but nowhere near as bad as the previous two dream sequences.

Then I woke up.

Anyone want to tell me what it all means?

WTF Moment of the Day

2005-12-06T20:12:00.000-05:00

After two hours of schooling me in the fine arts of backing up, parallel parking and three-point turns, my ambiguously gay and much-older driving instructor called me "babe" when he dropped me off.

WTF?!?!?!?!?

Usually I'm the one who accidentally says things like that...

You Know You Love Your Cat When...

2005-12-06T20:10:00.000-05:00

you take a piece of paper towel and yank a dingleberry off his butt because he's too damn fluffy to groom himself properly.

Time for a trip to the vet's for a "sanitary clip."

A Recent Conversation

2005-11-27T20:25:00.000-05:00

SETTING: RICH's bedroom in suburban Danvers, Massachusetts. CHLOE and RICH are watching his 52-inch high-definition flat screen TV when PEGGY (RICH's MOM) knocks and enters.

PEGGY: Richard, I got this bracelet with my Avon order. Do you want it?

RICH (using Redneck voice): Mommer, what in the hell is that?

PEGGY: It's a pink bracelet from the Susan G. Komen Foundation for breast cancer prevention and research. Avon made a small donation with my order and they sent me this bracelet.

(RICH stares in utter confusion)

CHLOE: You know, honey, to show that you support those who are going through treatment, who've survived breast cancer, that you're hoping researchers find a cure...

(RICH continues to stare in confusion. PEGGY and CHLOE look at each other knowingly.)

CHLOE: Tell you what Peggy, I'll wear the bracelet -

PEGGY: Here you are Chloe, thank you. (Hands CHLOE the bracelet)

CHLOE (pointedly): - because I'm not an asshole who lacks empathy for those who have been affected by serious illnesses.

PEGGY: That's right! Did you hear that, asshole?

RICH (tries to look innocent): Mommer?

CHLOE: It's okay Peggy, I know how devastated Rich would be if I had to have my breasts removed.

(PEGGY explodes with laughter)

PEGGY: He'd be upset if my breasts were removed, and he doesn't even use them anymore!

(Both women laugh hysterically. RICH cringes with embarassment.)

---- CURTAIN ----

Aloud

2005-11-20T19:12:00.000-05:00

Thursday night I went to see Aloud, a wonderful up-and-coming local band, at TT the Bear's with my good friend Melissa (aka the Hetero Life Mate). Through Melissa I became casually acquainted with Jen and Henry, the two singer-guitarists in the band. When we met a few years back, Jen and Henry were great kids with a dream who would bring their guitars to parties and engage everyone in all-night singalongs. Many a morning I'd wake up on Melissa's old futon (aka the flip 'n' fuck) with a hangover and sore vocal cords from screaming along to Oasis tunes all night. Along the way they formed Aloud with kick-ass rhythm section Roy and Ross, and their raw young talent began to emerge.

Fast-forward a few years and Aloud has cut two independent CD's with a full-length album on the way. They've toured all over the Northeast and written some great songs. The music is straight-ahead rock n' roll, not too heavy or too mellow, with plenty of energy, gorgeous harmonies and unique lyrics. I'm planning to go see them at Dodge Street in Salem next month, anyone who wants to come with me (and maybe drive me home?) is welcome to tag along.

Check them out at allthingsaloud.com and tell 'em Chloe sent you.

Top Five

2005-11-16T19:56:00.000-05:00

Here's a list of my top five favorite (or least favorite) things, as ripped off from "High Fidelity" (great movie, better book):

Five Favorite Fruits, not counting Elton John
(sorry Mom, couldn't resist):
1. Strawberries
2. Blueberries
3. Apples
4. Oranges
5. Bananas

Five Favorite Vegetables (insert outdated Terri Schiavo joke here):
1. Tomatoes
2. Cucumbers
3. Broccoli
4. Corn
5. Cauliflower

Five Favorite Power Ballads (so bad they're good):
1. "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner
2. "Open Arms" by Journey
3. "The Flame" by Cheap Trick
4. "When the Children Cry" by White Lion
5. "Winds of Change" by Scorpion

Five Favorite Stand-Up Comics:
1. George Carlin
2. Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P.)
3. Richard Pryor
4. Margaret Cho
5. Jeff Foxworthy/Ron White/Bill Engvall (3-way tie)

Five Favorite Places to Shop for Clothing Baaahgins:
1. Garment District
2. Filene's Basement
3. TJ Maxx
4. Marshall's
5. Walgreens - it takes some sorting through bins, but you can find yourself some very comfy sweats, PJs, socks, mittens etc.

Five Ways I Won Rich's Heart:
1. Spilling salad dressing on my shirt on our first date
2. Blowing a huge bubble resulting in gum stuck to my glasses
3. Learning all the words to "Long Haired Country Boy" by Charlie Daniels, AND singing along when Joe Nichols performed it at FanFair last June
4. Hocking a lungie out the window of his truck while driving down Route 1
5. Buying him socks

Five Favorite Childhood Memories:
1. Eating a lobster-shaped red candy lollipop
2. Dancing in the basement with my life-size Grover doll
3. Sledding downhill for several hours in below-freezing temperatures, then going inside and drinking mug after mug of cocoa
4. Sucking on my chlorine-infused hair after "free swim" at the Y
5. The swings

Five Shows I Try Not to Miss:
1. Daily Show
2. The Colbert Report
3. House
4. Boston Legal
5. Letterman

Five Shows I Often Miss and Feel Bad About It:
1. Family Guy
2. The Simpsons
3. Degrassi: Next - I'm about a season and a half behind!
4. Letterman, because he's on at the same time as Stephen Colbert
5. Inside the Actors Studio

Five Girls I'd Go Gay For:
1. Angelina Jolie
2. Catherine Zeta-Jones
3. Maria Sharapova - How does she exert herself that hard and still look so good? 5 minutes on a treadmill and I'm a sweaty red-faced freak!
4. Kate Winslet
5. Kiera Knightley

Five Celebrity Couples I'd Happily Never Hear From Again:
1. Britney and Kevin
2. Hilary Duff and her dog-faced sister
3. Paris Hilton and whoever she's fucking at the moment
4. Carson Daly and his dumbass show
5. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, who I actually used to respect

Five Favorite Places I've Visited:
1. St. George's, Bermuda
2. St. Petersburg, Russia
3. San Francisco
4. Copenhagen
5. Porvoo, Finland

Five Places I'd Like to Visit Someday:
1. Venice
2. Paris
3. Morocco
4. Santorini
5. The Panama Canal

Five Pet Peeves:
1. Finding a dead bug in my glass after finishing most of my drink
2. Camel toes
3. Underwires that stick up way too high and poke me in the armpit
4. Umbrella-busting gusts of wind
5. Realizing I missed a spot after shaving my legs

I may add more later. And feel free to comment with your own lists!

Welcome!

2005-11-15T03:47:00.000-05:00

It's about time I started one of these blog thingies. Seems like all the cool kids are doing it.

More musings will come when I'm feeling lucent. Or less tired.

Cheers!

The Reason Insurance Rates Are So High In This City

2005-11-15T03:29:00.000-05:00

Apparently in downtown Lynn, if you see a red light, a walk signal, and a pedestrian in the crosswalk, you don't stop. Instead you STEP ON IT hard enough for said pedestrian to hear a loud SQUEEEEAAAAKKKK!!!! as you accelerate through said crosswalk.

She missed me by about a foot. Work on your aim, bitch!